This Modern Love

Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied

Slow Me Down

Desperately ran for the shower at something like snail's pace, refusing to speak any known language at audible volumes. Continued to ponder life's list of needs exactly where I left them, in yesterday's shower. Took twice as long as it should to dress at 6am in the fricken' morning. Can't even imagine what this would be like to dress a few kids every day before school, driving to work wondering if they'll miss me and loving to learn something new simultaneously. Maybe I can imagine what that would be like. Yes, I can imagine what that would be like.



I hope every moment that I find some time for peace and quiet.

I hope every moment that I find some time to love this rhythmed dance,

but then I hear that I've lost track of my flying thoughts in seconds.

I want a slice of pizza, I want to pet a kitten, I want to walk and smell daisies.

I want to climb trees, find waterfalls, make crayons and colors to paint with.

So I sit...and do none of these things, just to slow me down.



I drink far too much coffee for the human body waiting for school to get out in Northshore, and my fingers hurt from weaving hand made coasters from colored cotton loops with kindergartners. They are such champions dressed to the nines in neon stripes, flowers and race cars. One day they'll grow up and hate monkey bars give their hands blisters from the weight of their bodies. They'll drink far too much coffee for the human body, and wonder why at age six they couldn't imagine what it'd taste like. No, they just didn't imagine. They imagined everything lovely rather than coffee.



I hope every moment that I find some time for peace and quiet.

I hope every moment that I find some time to love this rhythmed dance,

but then I hear that I've lost track of my flying thoughts in minutes.

I want a slice of youth, I want to hug that barista, I need to make a mustache.

I want to paint toenails, and alter a skirt, make sun glasses with Popsicle sticks.

So I sit...and do none of these things, just to slow me down.



I fall asleep to television episodes on DVDs, wishing with everything in me that my friends and I could mirror such banter and wit. I forget to flip off my space heater's switch. Maybe one day sleeping with sweat will prompt dreams of lizards and rain forests, but I just smile instead at my skill to think positively. Some days it's harder than others, but I love the best days that follow the bad ones. I don't get how people get grumpy, that's why there is coffee...so feed the addiction! Or have a glass of red wine. I guess I'm not sleeping, but measuring the distance from my nose to the ceiling.



I hope every moment that I find some time for peace and quiet.

I know every moment that I'll find some time to live this rhythmed dance,

but then I hear that I've lost track of my flying thoughts for hours.

I want to sleep thoughtless, I need jeans to fit, I think leg hair needs freedom.

I want to paint fish, and have a dalmatian, make chandeliers with branches and bottles.

So I lay...and do none of these things, just to slow me down.



I promise, it's almost impossible.

DUDE

I'm in such an awesome mood this morning. Coffee in hand...and sitting in the Starbucks parking lot, quietly stealing free wifi before work.

I'm awesome, are you awesome?

Fuck yes, you are!

"I will be someone I admire...I'm not exactly the person I thought I'd be. And in my mind...it's funny how I imagined, I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be." -Amanda Palmer, In My Mind.

Look it up, it's cute!

Off Day

Last night I decided that since I was gone the entire weekend, due to chaperoning a Scout trip by Deception Pass, I would visit my boys and cook them dinner. Bought a bottle of Gewurztraminer, and drank the whole thing to myself. We always manage to have a blast no matter what we do. Broke out the senior yearbook...and bitched about all the people we remembered we didn't like, who was pregnant now, dead, gay, still living with parents, and golden children who never did anything wrong. Watched 'Sex, Love, and Other Drugs.' Grand ole time, as always.

Woke up at 10am this morning. Didn't have to be at work until 3:15pm...but I forgot that I told Stone Soup Theatre that I'd do papering for them in the U District before work. Got a disgruntled email from Carolynne Wilcox, their Box Office Manager. Oops!

Argued with my brother a lot today. Told him to stop whining about life, and just be FUCKING PRODUCTIVE for once. Yup, I said that. Also told him that we weren't going to hold his hand anymore. Wasn't exactly what I meant to say going into the conversation. Oops!

Got to work...heard that a coworker had died this morning. No one knows what happened, just that she left for work, but obviously didn't make it there. The police won't say anything...

So...yeah. I call redo, and hope that tomorrow will be a million times better.

I Deserve

For once, I wasn't left regretting I ever met you.

For once, I felt like I deserved a lot better than you.

For once, I craved more time to sip on coffee.

For once, I feel like I can calmly say, "I'm so happy!"
Not screaming or pretending to feel it, just to make my point.

I deserve love.

I deserve to give it another shot.

But you were right.
You weren't capable, and I pushed...

I deserve time with my friend.

I deserve love.

It's like, I'm waiting to meet you all over again.
Shake hands, hug, and wish each other a good night.

Till next time, Ellensburg.

You felt like home again, and it doesn't take a broken house...or a bed.

I'll get what I deserve, as shall you.

Love.

Ta Da!

Somewhere I climbed a mountain, and found that life's uncertainties can indeed be beautiful. I no longer fear the unknown.

It's amazing that I have the chance to write it as I go.

And there's no one to push me in certain directions...I'm all Heather.

Treat me well, Ellensburg weekend.

My Busy Mind

Moleskin #...I lost track.

But it's everything I did from 9:15am to 3pm in Bothell between my shifts at West Hill Elementary.

Uplifting Thoughts

After a day of breathing, I'm okay. I'll trust Mom's kind words: "I know...deep down, it'll turn up."

But I'm still really shocked that I lost my engagement ring. I'm not sure where to look; all I know is that it's not where I left it...nor in any of the boxes in my parents' garage I brought over from the Anderson house in Ellensburg.

I know Grandma would forgive me, but it's harder to forgive myself for it now that she's gone. Even worse, is the feeling I'm left with because of what the ring itself represented. I didn't know I could ever let one person down this hard in my life. Not only did I take my promise back, but I lost the one item that signified my respect for what was our relationship. I did love him...but I was too young to realize just how strong love has to be in order to make that promise forever. I hadn't matured enough, nor was I experienced enough to hold on to it. I lost it.

For that, I will never forgive myself, but I will always grow from it.
Marriage takes on a completely different, beautiful meaning, now that I know.

I miss her pies. She put absolute love into them...as Mother does with her casseroles and baked dinners.

Believe it, or not, work actually helps me with all this. It's not as bad as it sounds...I'm just a fricken drama queen when the pen hits the paper. When keys get pounded into text.

I want to be an Art (possibly an Art & Theatre) teacher, working with ages between 8 to 16. I know that's a broad range when it comes to education, but with experience, I'll narrow it down. I have discovered, so far, that the best method for introducing a child to his/her dreams...true passions in life, is to share my true passions in life with them. They see the spark in my eye, and how beautiful life can be...they'll see the colors they can paint with by using whatever is in their hands. Reach for anything you can. Trial, error, and pies!

Love.

This is why everything will always be okay, because I may have lost love with one person...but it opened the door to loving life a little bit deeper.

I'll keep that thought with me always.

So in reality...all I lost was a rock.

I Lost It

I lost the one thing I had left of him...of us.

I lost the one thing I had left of my Grandmother, him, and us...all in one.


I hate myself more than I ever have right now.



I can't believe it.

Pointless Chats

Me: I'm just waiting to hit the ground from up here.

You: It's a long fall from cloud 9.

Me: I'll hold on as long as I can.

You: Hold on to me.

Me: This Popsicle done melted.





There's beauty in this world, there's cloud 9, there's gravity, and the ground.
Is there something truly worth holding on for?

You tell me.