Philadelphia

Currently dreaming of anything but airport food. I'm super glad my indigestion figured itself out. Last long stint of the trip! In one hour, I leave for Manchester.

Is There a Name for That?

I want children, no matter how old they are...or how bad they may seem, to always feel like they have a chance to better themselves. This is my goal in life, and I don't know where it will take me.

Day 5, 6 and 7

Day 5 and 7: Best Friend and Favorite Word

Okay, so I kinda cheated for "best friend." I'm claiming the United States Postal Service as my best friend now. They love me, they occasionally hate me, we fight, we make up, and we sometimes even have our Fridays out. We have a grand ole time. For my favorite word, well...you know, there's nothing that makes me happier than "mail's here...you got something!" It kinda makes my day, week, and sometimes even my month.

Day 6: Favorite Book Character

My favorite book character is the Paperback Princess. Not only did she save her prince from the fire breathing dragon, but she also kicked not so poor Prince Ralph to the curb when he told her to come back when she looked like a princess. You don't need to look like a princess when you already are one. Prince Ralph, you're a bum! Doesn't surprise me that Mom somehow found woman's liberal books to read to her only daughter. That's her, my Mom ladies and gentlemen! Gotta love her.

Dear England, 10 Days More

In case any of you were wondering, these are all of the places I will be going while in England. I have no idea if I'll actually be able to make it over to London, but I highly doubt it. Dems da breaks though! Can't wait. Not quite counting down the hours yet.

Day 4: Favorite Place

I can't take all the credit for today's entry, because certain corners were drawn by some of the kids at Champions. Emily, Alana, and Ashley were great sports. I just told them I wanted the center section left open for me. This "favorite place" is a combination of a few different things. It's my inner child, it's that space where my inner child gets taken on a trip, or a run of her money when at work with such great kids. Ultimately, it's that place in time/consciousness where I realize...it's not about money, or the correct path in life, it's the happiness of a pathless life.

Alice ain't got nothin' on me!

30 Day Challenge

My friend Ashlen invited me to a 30 day drawing challenge, and so far I haven't stuck to it so religiously. I have completed 3 out of the 5 entries I should have. Honestly...I don't think I'm as focused as I want to be, but that's okay. I'm trying not to beat myself up too hard these days, even though I'm incredibly talented at it.

Day 1: Yourself

Believe it or not I was actually trying to draw myself happy, since I keep telling myself I am...and believe myself to be so. Yet, I'm amazed by the fact that even my drawing pen can't lie. My eye in this drawing looks incredibly lost...like there's something it's longing for, but just can't find. It looks desperate. I honestly thought I was just looking in the mirror...and drawing what I saw. I hope I don't walk around looking THAT desperate.

Day 2 & 3: Favorite Animal & Favorite Food

Day 2's drawing is indeed a drawing of my lovely cat Sybil. She is football-shaped, can be very flatulent, overly affectionate, an attention whore, but has a crazed, evil side to her. I swear I'm the only one who sees it. I think her name fits very well with her multiple personalities.

Day 3's picture is just a silly little doodle. I had it for the first time this last summer at the Vine in Minocqua, WI, right across the street from where I hear Chris got arrested for "indecent exposure." Memories! It's a Tapas place that also serves wine...and I died from how happy my taste buds were. Yet, this doodle has an old-fashioned comic style to it. 'Cause I feel youthful today...despite my tummy ache.

Here is the link for the 30 day challenge assignments thingy.

Where Do I Go?

If you already have a Bachelor's degree...and are interested in continuing your education, you no longer qualify for state-funded grants. I waited for no reason. I really just want to cry right now, but I have to go back to work. Can I run away from home?

Career? What's That?

I love my job, because sometimes it doesn't feel like a job. Sometimes it just feels like I'm getting paid to play all day with the most amazing children I have ever met. I like making these kids feel special. Some of them won't let you make them feel that way...but I guess that's up to them. I'm sure that's what some of them are just used to at home. I like giving them the attention they deserve. I like watching the cogs in their imaginations spin wildly. I get paid to do all of these things...

I barely get by sometimes money-wise,

but this is the happiest I've felt in years.

So, the money and the gas...seems very much worth it.

I'm remembering Ryan Bronston singing Fly Like an Eagle at campfire, and I bawled like a baby. I love that kid so much! I miss him incredibly so.

Happily Alone

Everybody I know says, "girl just take it slow.
He's not goin' nowhere, and certainly not without you.
He's out there somewhere, thinking the same things as you.
'Where the fuck could she be, and what's takin' so long?'"

Well, if he only knew,
he'd feel my heart was of different breed.
and none of them deserved even lookin' at me.
He'd feel the huge distance and pull,
and want nothing more but say, "I've been lookin' for you."

Youth back then drempt up mansions, apartments, shacks,
and all the houses we'd own.
We were pretty little things, dancin' all in a row.
Man, if we only knew where our generation would go,
I would've stopped hating myself a long time ago.

Well, if he only knew,
he'd know I'm adventure and strength personified,
I take any risk if dared, and he'd love that 'bout me.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you won't get an inch.
I wasn't strong then, but I met right people showed me to be.

I'll love, and love, and love again till I can't anymore.
Maybe then I'll meet the one I've been waiting patiently for.
He'll come just when I need 'em, and things will play beautifully.
But like a child in shcool, I'll just dream him up till then,
'cause hearts like mine are of different breeds.

If he only knew,
he'd be here already, and effortlessly so.
This tale would be told, easily the easiest thing ever told.
I wouldn't love without the love of a fight,
so take your timely time, I'll wait, happily alone.

The End.

Of All Things

I'm tired of bitching about how lonely I am...but I'm lonely. I want a heartfelt talk right about now. I want to walk through a magical closet and see your face. I hope you don't have an expiration date.

It doesn't help that it's freezing outside.

The World Below, by William Olsen

Let the extraterrestrials look down upon our cities sprung from murder,
and our buses stalled beneath starlight, and still decide to land,
step out from their steel husks under the shaken trees,
stare up at a stalk of red light softly clicking green,
kneel with their helmets off, breathe in the smog, grasp at a tendril of car exhaust.
Stepping over a plot of irises braying their pollinated sighs,
scraping into an agar dish the rust off the grotesque claw of a garden rake,
antennae teetering toward the steam rising from the dewy yards,
tuning in each grassblade's brutally innocent aspirations,
muttering logarithmicall, shaking thick-veined heads, eyes shrunk to inhospitable pinholes,
pondering why downstreet, in a Plexiglas cubicle, a ringing goes unanswered,
apparitional in their curiosity, ancient themselves in their infinitely rational natures,
as they towel their own inscrutable fingerprints off,
every last material clue of who we think we are and why,
as they gaze skyward at the corpselight of their own sun, let them feel
instant and tranquil and bereaved in our alien night.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My favorite poem.

Ohhhhh, Greg...you make me happy just thinkin' 'boutcha! You remind me to kick the negativity to the curb, or to at least accept it as a normal part of life and move on. Every day I think...I could have done so many things different if only I was patient with myself, but then I could say...this too, is a normal feeling of life, now move on and do good.

My happy thoughted bubble butt monk.

I hope to know you for a very long time to come, my friend.

Did you know they're making a Lorax movie? I'm so excited.

What's Done is Done is Fun

It may be a character flaw...it may even be a huge downfall, but
to a degree, I legitimately give a small piece of myself away every time I find someone to care for.

I think upon such individuals I should absolutely hate, fondly, and often. I can't help it...or so it seems.

I want to ask them how they are doing, how their lives are now, talk about music we can't stop listening to, disagree on favorite vacation spots, or discuss an excitement for a combined art project...and who else to invite into the action.

But then I remember...oh, we're not talking...oh, there's something stopping us from all that.

And that's when all the memories come flooding back, as if Mother Nature decided it was time the West Coast needed to experience their own hurricane for a change. Thanks bitch! That was the last thing I needed right now...to be angry about something that's already gone and past. Every time, it shouldn't mean much...it shouldn't phase me...I shouldn't care. But I do! Every time. I always try to pretend I didn't/don't. Thank god it's the perfect thing to inspire the imagery for something crazy, new. I just wish I could include them. I feel like feelings should be shared...even when they're done and long gone.

I want to tell each and every one of them what I walked away feeling...

-Ampersand: You are the most complicated of them all...'cause I can't even describe how I felt towards the end of an era. All I can say is that I never felt like I had a voice. You never asked my opinion, you never realized my frustrations were real, actual elephants in the room. I knew I was something important to you...but I just couldn't figure out how I was important. Was I puzzle piece to your life goal? Get married, have children, build a house, have a career, be happy. Too bad it doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, I grew into a beast you hadn't planned on. For that, I am sorry. But I won't apologize for it. If I stayed with you forever, I would not have grown strong like the girl I am today...and I wouldn't have realized all the wonderful things I could accomplish. I would have just been a wife...your wife.

-Senior: I'm not mad...nor do I blame you really. It's hard to read someone who is incredibly good at lying like I am. I said I was fine. I said I was okay...then low and behold, the truth always game out in the ugliest of demonstrations. And thus a pattern was BORN! If anything, you were always honest with me, proved that you could only care for me as best you could, and that you never never meant to hurt me in any way. You're friendship is very important to me...I just don't know who or what you are growing up to be. There are times I can tell you just want to fall on old habits, and thank god I don't allow that to happen. But if anything, I'm always there when you need me. One day I will ask you: "What was it I couldn't give you?"

-Gypsy: I don't even have words...I never did. You were a cartoon character, a figment of my imagination...but you definitely supplied me with false implications. I should have known from the get go, you were gonna tie me to the railroad tracks. There weren't promises, but lovely words...that all failed you. I don't think I could ever trust you again, nor could I really look at you the same way again. You are still important to me, because there were truly some fantastic moments...all in darkness, and all in silence that were had. If there's one thing you continually teach me (without realizing it) is that I should always find the fun, the adventure in everything I do. There's nothing wrong with being a smart ass, but...when you hurt people, then it's not okay. So...STOP IT! I'm flattered, really, I am. I just wish I hadn't apologized...I had hoped it would have made it all go away, but instead it just made me look incredibly weak. You're weak, not me. I do miss you though, and hope that someday I could use your incredible creativity and "smart ass" to collaborate something incredible to represent our generation.

-Time Capsule: I truly think I don't deserve you. I wish I had time to get to know you, but maybe neither of us are ready for that kind of time yet. I don't know when we'll get the time and trust, but I hope you're there when I'm ready. I don't doubt that we'll meet again. Till then, cheers. May all be well, wherever you are.

-Letter Recipients: All my pent up frustration gets taken out on you in a way...sending my heart out each and every day in envelopes destined for exciting destinations I've never been to before, that's the ultimate highest reward and release. Smiles keep me going, friendship keeps me going. One day I'll live an honest life, and it will begin with the love I keep in envelopes. So stamp me, chop me up, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours...and yours, and yours, and YOURS!

Have mercy...I do not what I want. I'd love to love you any day.

Slow Motion

Lately I've been dreaming that every corner I turn, or door I open when I'm in a hurry...you're just standing there, out of nowhere, there you are. I think I keep wishing it, because 48 hours of your face wasn't enough. I don't know what I'm doing...and I'm scared of what will happen. I'm sick of dissapointing, and being dissapointed that I just ignore the fact that you're out there somewhere...possibly thinking of me or not. Maybe that's why I did what I did, why I gave her that step in the direction she wants to be in...because I don't feel like I ever had a right to your heart. Maybe it would be better if you just accepted her request. I hate feeling feelings! Truly, I do. Things are so easy and...the loneliness is easy to shove down most of the time, until I remember that my throat's dry, and relationships fail every second of every day. I hate failure. I don't hate risks...but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make them half of the time. Yes, this is all cliche...but if people describe it the same exact way every time...and things still fail, MAYBE I should wait it out for something as unusual as I am. But excuses, excuses. Telephones are like talking to a box...doesn't feel like I'm talking to a person at all...hence why I don't like using them. So, I'm sorry that you haven't received any voice mails from me recently. Letters are just so much more personal...like there's a person on the other side. Go figure! I'm taking this all way too personally. I whispered last night to the air between me and my comforter (maybe I only thought it), "I promise to stop lying..."

Which would be miraculous...

I lie on a daily-basis. I'm a good story-teller...who never gets to the point. I will love you regardless of what happens.

Get My Drift?

Grab life by the balls...and squeeze.

There's nothing to be afraid of. Now eat your words.

Rumble Bumble, Royal and Fumble

Can I get a HOT-TUB?! That commercial still makes me laughhhhh. And reminds me of the dish-washing, one person dance parties I have in my kitchen...by myself, to the most remixed dance music out there. It's a THANG you just wouldn't get. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I'm starting to think I don't have to have one set plan, or to not beat myself up because of inconsistency. I'm arteestic...what else could I expect from myself? Dad and Grandma Ellamae are encouraging me to look into Graphic Design...and that's incredibly tempting. I'd have to go back to some kind of school to learn how to use Photoshop, but that's better than going back to college for a whole 'nother 3-4 years me thinks. I still want to work with children...but maybe that's what summers at Camp Timberlane are for. I wanna travel, and commission art work, but I need to find the time to do it!!! Ugh, bitch bitch bitch. That's all I do. Today is lovely though, and I have a hot cup of coffee in my hand. We're going to make origami water-bombs later at Champions, and slip them over Christmas lights to make the room beautiful. I hope the origami part isn't too hard for them. Alana crawled upon my back while I was sitting in a chair to short for me, and said "I'm a monkey who loves you." Tooooooo cute. They're the reason I drive a half-hour to and from work everyday. I can't stay away from them. This is my issue...a job without children, just wouldn't be the same. Rumble bumble, Royal and Fumble. Also working on a paint piece that I shall call "Standards, Grace and Lace." Pictures to come. If you ever want to pay me for a painting or art piece...I'm all ears.

Ella Dierks

*heavy laughter* "Ms. Heather...your breath smells like old tacos!" Every time she's at Champions in the morning, she makes it her goal to give me the chills. She sneaks up from behind me and whispers very slowly and softly, "the Dark Lord is coming for you." It freaks me out every time! I love her immensely for her humor. Or, as the Brits say, her humour. Whatever, England...but anyways, this particular morning, Ella did the usual...gave me the chills, then I flipped around to tell her how strange (secretly awesome) she is. That's when she made the taco breath comment. She snuck up on me again later that same morning and in the same manner as before, whispered "the Dark Lord wants old tacos." To which I replied, "...or to smell my breath, apparently." She found this highly amusing and laughed hysterically. Then proceeded to play with my hair the rest of the morning. The ONE TIME I forget to brush my teeth and went to work with coffee breath...

Winter Holidays

Did I mention I'd be in England? No?! Oh...well I am! From December 19th through January 5th. I'm gonna hit Manchester, Hereford, London, Sheffield and Sunderland all in 2.5 weeks. I don't know how I'll be able to afford all those trains...but I'll gladly go broke over the trip of a lifetime!

Beats Me (Life)

I don't know what I wanna do, and I don't know who I want to be. No scratch that! I want to love, more specifically, I want to love you...who are you? Beats me. I want to smoke a cigarette, you're gonna hate me for it, but it's better than lying about an addiction that beats me. I want to share a thought with the entire world, what that thought is, it beats me entirely. I wanna write letters for the rest of my life, and I want everyone to stop using the money in their pockets right this second. It's not fixing anything, what it was made for, it beats me. I want silence when I think, to be the only one on Earth, just for a brief minute...so disappointment and fear get a break from influencing all the things that "beats me." I want an easy fix, and I want you to tell me what it is that beats me so frequently.

Cup Runneth Over

I stumbled upon (not using Stumble, mind you) on a certification program through Seattle University for a K-12 guidance counselor thingamabob. And the more I think about it, the more I want to help! Ever since High School...it feels like that's kinda the position I've taken on with my friend and family; that shoulder that everyone needed. In High School it got to the point where I was getting taken advantage of in that sense...but I've learned the difference between those people and the good ones that just need someone to listen. It almost feels like this has been right in front of me the whole time. I have no idea what the demand is for Guidance Counselors within the Education industry, but that doesn't seem to matter to me right now. Sometime soon I will find a Career Counselor...and keep the loop of help looping. Whoever this person is, they'll listen to me...help me, and send me on my way, ready to listen and help the next person listen and help others. It's a beautiful thought to ponder. Also...I'm tired of living life very secured and afraid to take risks. So, I'm going to take a risk. I'm going to England for the Winter Holidays! I'm going to destroy the last of my savings/inheritence/camp paycheck...and just GO! It's about time, right? Life is beautiful...just as it should be. I love my friends and the children I have ever worked with...this is a world you introduced me to, and can't seem to stay away from. Camp/Champions...you've changed my life for the better. I can never repay you, but I'd love to try!

Honestly

I've decided to start a jewelry line, and it shall be called, "honestly." Overall: I want to call it "Honestly." I want unconventional/slightly controversial things to dangle from peoples' earrings, necklaces and bracelets...to the point where people have to do a double take. The objects or pendents if you will, will shed light on the secrets we try to hide from others or ourselves...especially if it means we will be judged. It will turn our world of fear into a fashion statement. Wear your heart, fears, embarrassments, and faults on your sleeve...literally. This is ultimately an art project/a way of reminding myself to adhere to a completely honest life-style. Even if it means people not liking me. It also brings up the question...what atmosphere would individuals wear these pieces in? Where would they feel comfortable wearing them? Everywhere, only around friends? Never? What could you possibly say if you saw someone wearing a necklace that appeared to be a cigarette on a chain...wait, it reads, "frequent quitter." Honestly?! Exactly! Honestly. That's the idea anyways.

?

How do we measure true success in a world like ours? Is it the money in my pocket that I ain't got? Is it the number of people that I tried to love? Is it how many arguments I think I've cleverly won? Or is it in the smiles I can bring to your face? I'm telling you like I tell myself: "I refuse to believe there's only one." To each their own; even this could change. I'm telling you like I tell myself: "I wish I could say I even had a clue." How do we know it's truly forever in a heart like yours? Is it on a day I can magically read your mind? Is it when things before your eyes shake and blur? Is it even after you've already told me so? Or does it just take 3 licks of a Tootsie-Pop? I'm telling you like I tell myself: "I refuse to believe there's only one." To each their own; even this could change. I'm telling you like I tell myself: "I wish I could say I even had a clue." How do you depict the strength of one's confidence? Is it in the ease you can lie to all, but one? Is it in the stuffed animals you now can lose? Is it in the shame you never have to worry 'bout? Or can I prove it with my honesty in a letter? I'm telling you like I tell myself: "I refuse to believe it's easy like that." To each their own, and time doesn't quake. I'm telling you like I tell myself: "I wish I could say I even had a clue." They say it's hard not to love the people who say they love you, first. But I'm telling you like I tell myself: "To each their own," and I'm afraid to know. WIll I drive you crazy if I tell you like I tell myself: "I wish I could say I even had a clue."

Sincerly, Loving Bitch

My good friend is having girl troubles, and believe it or not, but I actually saved myself from the emotional burn-outs I always get from helping certain friends. Even if it only means a sympathetic ear. He asked me to wait by my cell phone around 7pm last night, just so I could make up an "emergency" so he could escape from an awkward conversation with the girl he likes, if need be. Dude...no! I'm not your bitch! I told him to just leave if things get awkward, and he thought that wasn't a very nice thing to do. I then proceeded to tell him that if he's not comfortable leaving, then he's going to sacrifice his own sanity...and personally, I'm not in charge of keeping that in tact for him. Look at me! I stood up for myself. I'm becoming a big girl...wearing the big girl pants and everything! This kind of progress may not mean anything to anyone else, but me....but I don't care. Just thought I'd share. Hope all is well the rest of yous out there. Yes, awful english, I know! I don't care. I REALLLLLY don't care...and hence, why I'm saying so. There's more of me "saying so" to come.

Hurricane

Life is like a hurricane...here...in...Duckburg. Race cars, lasers, airplanes - it's a duck-blur. You might solve a mystery...or rewrite history! --- I'm making a comeback! Watch out, world...the creative juices are flowing again! Now, if only I could stop wasting expensive gas on driving home in between shifts to make such grocery bag furniture.

Words Give Way to Something More

If you give a damn, I'll give a damn.
If you stop giving a damn, then I'll stop giving a damn.
If you hold on tight, then I'll hold on tight.
If you remember me, then I'll remember you.
If you ask me to move, then I'll call you insane.
If you make me tell you the truth, then I'll gladly speak.
If you break this damn, then I'll build a stronger one.
If you want something real, that's what this letter's for.
Signed, sealed, and scared to send.

My heart is always stolen in Wisconsin.

Fucked

Can't

Can't get them out of my head.

It's like someone put me in a pot, and lit a flame underneath me.
I'm cooking from my feet steadily up, and there's nothing but momentum feeding the flames. There's nothing to stop me. I don't know where I'll stop, who I'll meet, and who I'll hurt along the way.

For once I have freedom...and I feel like I'm either abusing it, or I'm using it exactly as I should be. There's just a self guilt trip telling me to stop.

I know exactly who would tell me to stop.

My forever friend, who stopped us from combustion all together. Brought me to the most reasonable conclusion. Got me to stand up for myself, and loved me stronger for it when I told him it could never happen again. I'll always respect him for that...truly, I will.

I'm not being honest with myself, or the people I meet. Which my good friend would tell me to knock off. Exactly that.

I just want someone to take hold of my hand as hard as they can, even if it means handcuffing us together. Slow me down long enough to see the importance of an "I care, and you need to hear why, even if you don't feel the same. Just hear me out...otherwise it's gonna eat away at me and I'll never know till you just hear what I have to say." I'd listen then, and I swear even then...in all my glory, I'd slow down for that.

There's yet to be one to make me feel like much of anything. I at least think well of myself, all on my own.

Just cuts and scrapes behind high walls that some poor soul is gonna have to tear down with his bare hands.

I don't wish that fate upon anyone...so, power to ya, whoever you are.

Dreadlocks: grab a hold, and make me listen. Maybe I did, but don't remember, so tell me again. I don't know when again will be, but I wish it would be sooner rather than later.

Hmmm

Mom asked me what I missed about home the most...and I honestly couldn't come up with much, so I quickly answered, "Starbucks."

Guess that just confirms it.

Time to leave.

Places I Want to Travel To

1. Chicago, IL
2. Flagstaff/Tuscon, AZ
3. St. Petersburg, FL
4. England...somewhere.
5. East Coast somewhere/all over



Let's DO IT!!!

I'd love to even road trip down to Flagstaff!

Remember the Time?...

Where Heather got drunk the last night of camp...and completely made a fool of herself?

I do...

Way to go me.

I don't want to ever see that side of myself every again. Or hear about her from other people; especially the ones I care for the most.

I apologize to everyone. I wish I could say I remember everything, but I don't.

I'm just getting flashes here and there...and they're all out of order. Even my apology.



What a shitty start to a friendship that I hope lasts a long long long time.

I'll miss you unicorn, and I hope you do eventually make that phone call.



Thank you, Amy's family and German sisters for such a memorable 24th birthday in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Arts and Crafts: Camper Feedback

First Session:

1st Period - Heather is a very good teacher and gives me great tips. The activities are also really fun.

1st Period - It is really fun; probably my favorite activity.

Second Session:

2nd Period - Heather is awesome, she always knows what to do. Arts and Crafts is really fun.

3rd Period - Heather is amazing! She can fix anything. She teaches you so much, and it's a joy to be around her.

3rd Period - This is my favorite class and I love all the activities that we do.



I must be doing something right.

One of Many

You are one of many.
"Don't worry 'bout me."
I'd say you made a dent;
hurt me just like the rest.
But in truth, I hurt myself
every god damn time!

I only love to love...

Doesn't matter who you are.
Doesn't even need to be real,
but it will feel the same
when you feel something deeper
for the someone else that's
bound to come, bound to fit.

I feel like a piece of meat;
pink and rare at first glance...
then green and iridescent
the second you don't want me anymore.

I seek out the perfect people
to never trust; to hell with a love life.

There's life without romance
there's romance without trust
and then there's you and I.

A girl to be dirt, that's me.

Norway

Feeling pretty beside myself.

This day means everything to them. The biggest day of the summer, besides going home against their will.

I'm going to miss them so much. I would do anything for them, even if it means giving up on sleep all together.

Going to sleep tonight though, and finish the rest of this on my day off tomorrow...

Sad, yet necessary.

Not My Chair, Not My Problem

After talking with Ashlen on the phone the other night, I definitely feel empowered by my actions. After listening to Bethyn shed her relationship woes though...I feel more numbed by her words. Both realizations coupled...I guess I don't feel comfortable discussing a relationship at all. Here's hoping I don't get myself in trouble this summer. No drama. No love. Just friends happy with what was shared, and prepared to leave it at that!

I'm a strong independent woman.
I will never need a man to make me feel whole.
I trust myself.

Mom's Care Package

She sent me tea...and jesus christ, I need it!

I'm sicker than a dog.

Matt Kearney says that if I get him sick that he's going to "punch me in the neck."

I said I wouldn't blame him.


That's sad...

Never, Forever Myself

I put on a dress meant for just the occasion, not to dressy but certainly feminine and comfortable, meant for someone slightly special.

I asked you to "zip me up," and you left me half way there.



The users attract users, and become ultimately used themselves.

I'm sorry I asked. I'm sorry I got stuck,

but I'm not sorry all at once.

The users attract users, in the end becoming used themselves.

I hope you satisfy one another, and learn to leave it at that.

I forever fashion a fixed stare miles away, and confused.

I wasn't meant to love with the intent of romance and forever, so I'll love for the hope of flexibility, friendship, and for bridging the gap between eyes confused.

I'll wait even longer...apparently I didn't wait long enough. I should have never bothered you. Please pardon!

I whispered into the other night after I knew for certain we'd never have a genuine moment, "I'll forever shed these tears for others, but never for myself."

I live selflessly, only to be treated as dirt...the gravel they all will walk on.

Friends save my life every time.

I hope they don't fail me now.



"I shed my tears only for others, but for never, forever myself.

Camp Timberlane Love Love, I Want Your Love

I love my room mates: Emily Jones, and Megan Hagar.

I love my summer bad romance.

I love the foreign/new/female staff members.

I love the steering committee...and the fact that half of them didn't know who I was with my new haircut. Melrose thinks I was "the sweetest person last summer...despite the semi-permanent 'deer in headlights' look on my face."

I love the new Trampball Rules Signs.

I love Horhay's.

I love Wifi.

I love sunshine...something finally above 50 degrees (30 degrees at night).

Okay, Horhay's is kicking me out...maybe love is too strong of a word.

iNeed

I need this...or something very similar to it as my next tattoo.

Jaheeeebus

Narrowed down the number of art DIY books going in my suitcase down to two, but I'm having a major issue cutting down the number of various paper products I'll do god knows what with...and I haven't even gone through my art supplies. Why is packing so painful?! I feel like all these weird objects are my friends...and I'm basically telling them I don't want them to come with me because they're not cool enough. I'm a horrible person! This is too stressful. I don't put this much thought into what I wear on a daily basis...oh no, what am I going to wear? AHH!

Went to Town Hall Antiques again today to get more antique sheet music, since I'm almost out of the last book I got. Got more vintage stamps as well, AND old BINGO cards for 50 cents each. I'm pretty jazzed about those. This may turn into an addiction though...someone may have to stop me from wasting my whole savings on antiques in Wisconsin.



I'm gonna miss my overly affectionate fat flatulent cat...she can't come with me? Okay.





Revamped the activities/clinics/staff project ideas list for the 3rd or 4th time. That I never get tired of. I still don't feel like I prepped enough for this...as if I should have all these examples done already. Yeah right, Heather, chill! It's a good thing I'm getting there a week earlier though. I have more time to make that space mine now, since I didn't take the time to do it last year. Reorganizing was not enough!

Then thought...oh, what if he takes one look at me and says, "You're not worth it. I remember you differently" ??? It's the low self-esteem coming back in full swing, and I'm fightin' as hard as I can. Dancing helps a great deal...alone in my room, thinking positively. No expectations; that's the only way we'll get through it.

I'm afraid of missing the shuttle to the Wausau transit center too. BEH!

CHILL!!!

It'll be an awesome summer, no matter what happens. 'Cause I'm awesome, and the awesome will beget awesomeness.

Love Letters

He gave me the green light...and so the letter goes.

I can't believe someone's convinced me of such things.

"You hit me high, you hit me low...time doesn't slow down for those who dream, I wake only to hear this scream."

Scream

Love is the only incident
An infatuation
Is this sweet manipulation?
Well, I was frightened myself
What is love?
It's a fine inclination
A lovely retardation
What is life but a reality vacation?
Indulging operation
What is love?
The worthiest damnation
Sweet temptation
What is love?

Alexander Ebert

Can you imagine this David Bowie look-alike is now who we know to be Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros.

LOVE IT!

I wish lipstick made me look that hot...

damn.

Colin David Wright, Age 20

He's my brother...my only brother...my only sibling in the world.


He takes medication for:

1. Type 1 Diabetes
2. MRSA skin disease
3. High blood pressure
4. Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder

I fear if anything else gets added to the list anytime soon...he or I may explode.

Life isn't fair.

Tom Clayton Jones Kaiser

We were feeling low, and he called to make sure I hadn't given up hope until I knew without a doubt that I had been given the green light to.

So he sang to me...over the phone.

WHOA OA OA...SHE'S A LADY!!!

Thank ya, buddy.

I needed that more than you will ever know.

Inside the green envelope in the middle are Elementary school photos of me, with far too large and colorful of glasses meant for any normal child. I laugh at them, and think to myself that it's not as bad as it could me.

I'll certainly rock it, regardless.

A Lack of Calcium

I read in one of my Grandmother's craft/feminine lifestyle type magazines that small bouts of depression could be due to a lack of calcium.

I hardly ever drink milk...unless it's in my coffee, and I don't think that counts.

This weekend I had 3 glasses of 2% milk.



I don't think it will necessarily work, but I'm glad that I'm searching for options to stop feeling like this.

Can you imagine someone writing a short scene where the leading lady honestly believes her romance woes will magically go away by drinking a glass of milk?

Silly.


I don't need the hassle. The stress.

Yet I still hold on to this letter...and at the bottom of it, it reads, "I don't send love letters. I write them, and then keep them in my desk drawer until they're no longer relevant."

I just want to send it...share it.

I need a glass of milk.




Here's something I made at Grandma Ellamae's. We geeked out over craft supplies, tricks and methods. We took notes listening to each other, and it was nice to see someone else's irises spark to new ideas. Reminds me why I do this...why I want to go, why I want to grow. I played with paper punches, rubber stamps, bleach, markers, pens, and watercolor pastel crayons.

I took silly pictures with the children of my relatives, slept in a bed that was made fresh just for me, like I was staying in a hotel with familiar scents. A hotel built just for me.

So, here I go...to the fridge to fix this lack of calcium.

That's all it is.

Hustle and Cuss

I'm watching my journal entries get stranger and stranger...

and you're nowhere to be found.

I have words, but you won't let me say them.

I won't let myself say them...



"knock on the door and the door knocks back; the joke never go no further than that."

Geraldine Patricia Rogeness

Mom had mentioned it a few days before Mother's Day, but I completely forgot until now. A year ago, on Mother's Day, Geraldine Patricia Rogeness, my Grandmother, passed away. We had the opportunity to visit her grave, but Mom didn't want to. I assured her that she wasn't going anywhere, and wouldn't rush her. Mom would know when the time was right, and shouldn't feel guilty for that by any means. Just because I told Mom not to feel guilty, doesn't mean I can't.

I miss her. I still remember what I said her before she passed. She was lying in a hospital bed, unable to communicate, and probably asleep. I didn't know what to say, really. I said, "Goodbye Grandma, I wish I could have shared more with you. I love you." She smelled an awful like pooped pants, but I didn't care. Colin couldn't stay in the room because it frightened him too much. Everyone grieves in their own ways...and I will never get mad at him for that. I won't demand miracles from him, I love him too much for that.

I just had the thought, "man...I would never have guessed all this inspiration for art pieces was in me if you had asked me even a year ago." Then I remembered a year ago, she passed...and I remembered my desire to share more with her.

I don't know much about the afterlife, but if there is one...I hope she's watching, and I hope that she's growing her hair out and discovering a wild side. When she was alive, she hoarded things like used wrapping paper and thin slivers that used to be bars of soap. I think I get the hoarding random materials from her. I credit my hand fluted fake pie crusts from "Seven Brides for Seven Brother's" to her. I watched her closely everytime she made a pie for us with such love and care. When the Dimentia finally kicked in...and I witnessed her attempt to make pie crust with just flour and water, I died a little on the inside. But I live, and still love her dearly.

I wish I could have gotten to know her better.

No Sleep

My stomach hurt tonight...and I couldn't get my thoughts to simmer. I guess this is what happens when sleep is forfeited for a night.

Chelan/Bird Themed Shadowbox

I forgot about this one, but I'd definitely like to try something a bit more detailed, complicated, and more detailed. Maybe a portrait of someone's face with a lot more layers.

Creativity flows from me everyday...and I challenge all those I love to let it happen to them. Even if it only means experimenting for a few minutes a day.

You'll suddenly find that flexing your brain muscles are just as difficult as physical exercise. Too bad the creative flexing comes more easily to me...

or I may find that my butt wouldn't be nearly as big as it is now.

*Cheers*

Disorganized

I've been a rock of confidence all year...even when I was unemployed, and my career choice was obviously taking me nowhere. I sought no reason to put my heart at risk, or take chances of any kind. Now, with a few ripples in da pond, my balance has faltered a tad. I'd like to say just a tad, but I'm having a difficult time placing a quantifier here due to uncertainty of what the hell is going on...or what the hell is going to happen. There's an endless number of possibilities of what could happen when I set my feet upon not so foreign soil this time around.

I had a good chat with a close friend from college the other day. Even though he's in Tuscaloosa, the tornado missed him by two miles. PHEW! I vented, he vented, we remembered the ole 1111 apartment back in the day, and all the shenanigans that went down that fateful summer 2 years ago. Truth or Dare will never be the same, that's for sure. And I don't doubt that he'll one day show up on my door step with a bottle of Patron.

He advised me to fall in love as often as you can, stay youthfully free, expectation-less and above all, I should stay true to myself.

1 Miller Genuine Draft later...I was convinced it would certainly all be worth it in the end. It has to be.

Now...there's an unpleasant silence, and the question mark is simply growing bigger and bigger. So, I decided to fix that by making funny faces in my bedroom Neutral Milk Hotel themed mirror for two solid hours. I've noticed a change in my visual journal entries as well. There's no longer clear messages or content, but that's certainly okay and to be expected sometimes.

These next four weeks may suck, and it all may have been for nothing, but I will stay true to myself and love yet another adventure.

Shake it off, Ms. Heather.

Fears

Did you mean it? I would rather know now, before I follow closely behind.

I don't want this to have been for nothing.

It Comes and Goes (In Waves)

This one's for the lonely
The one's that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes and waves
I...

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They're only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
Love is to be made

And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves
I...
Am only led to wonder why
It comes in goes in waves
I...
Am only led to wonder why
Why I try

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones that think they can

It comes and goes in waves
I...
Am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I...
Am only led to wonder why
Why I try

Respect

This I accomplished on another split shift day at work. I sat for 5 hours at Starbucks that day, but this only took 3 hours to finish. I also rinsed my drip coffee cup out to use for water to activate my water color pencils...and proceeded to spill the entire cup of water all over my pants. WOOPS!!! My pants were not dry until I went back to work. Soggy underoos are not comfy.

But I drew this over a journal entry that I can still read somewhat, and will always remember the intent behind. It was a night in Ellensburg where a Gentlemen's party was discussed, but no true Gentlemen would be present. We would just dress as them and prance around like bafoons I think in manacles and top hats to show our disgust for them. Or to prove that they only exist in myth and folklore. Heaps of laughter later, and of course more serious talk of disrespecting one's education, and more specifically, one's educators.

"To get it, you must give it."

Food for thought!

Surrealist Automatism

Whenever I have a split shift day for work...I have 5 hours to kill. At first I hated these days, because it meant going to bed super early the night before, and having to stay awake the whole day on only an affordable amount of coffee.

Now, I embrace these days...as if I couldn't live without them.

I take my visual journal with me to the Bothell Starbucks connected to a QFC near the Elementary school I work at. I take a few art supplies with me, buy a drip coffee with room...and just pour whatever comes to my mind on the page. Whether it's in note form, a list, a reminder I can't forget, an image, a thought...a regret. It winds up on the pages.

I feel like I'm making the most of the time I have, and enjoying life as much as I can.
I have the time to pay my bills online, watch tv episodes I forgot to watch, do online training for camp...you name it. I just wish I got enough sleep!

MEH...I'm young.

A Memory

A memory...turned into a thought.

I and Love and You

I've been told you run at the speed of light. It may not take much to know what you want. No, it may not take much time at all...

Believe me, I understand not wasting time, when one life is all we have.
It's just hard not to waste when you've been the one to be tasted and wasted again and again.

Just know that it will take me more than that.

I've been hurt, split, and the one to break in two. I know it wasn't you, but please know I'm not not willing to try.

With everything that's been done to me, and everything that I've done to myself...I've learned a great deal about who and what I deserve to want.

I want you, but just know that it will take me more time than that.

I'll never let go, until I feel I must for the sake of knowing what I deserve to want, and I'll want you until I have to let go.

Just know that it will take me more than that.

I'll love the sunshine and the moonlight spent with you, I'll love the bug bites you'll tell me not to scratch, and the number of times I know I'll smile and laugh.

Just know it will take more more than that...

But I'm here, and I'm yours nonetheless.

I'll just look for bumblebees before I take a step.

I and love and you.

"I Can't Wait to Love You"

One says...as the other falls silent.



What's meant to be shall be; I certainly can not deny my curiosity.

The Up and Coming Crossover

Repurposed Wright, EP

The tracks:

1.Ignore Boiling Point
2.Play on the Northshore
3.Strike vs. Spare
4.Digesting Corn
5. Blue Ball Jars
6.Ugly Bugs Hate Burl Ives

Content or Just Plateau?

So here's the thoughts on life as it is.

1. I have FINALLY found myself in a comfortable state of lonely. I took the time, paid for the crimes, and now know what kind of man is acceptable for the likes of me...but he's nowhere to be found. I'm okay with that, and know that's how it goes...but it's time.

2. I really like how work is going, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I could afford to travel a bit, finally. I wish I had more hours, but it's somewhere to begin. I know where to go from here, I just don't know WHEN to start...or necessarily which program (teaching certification). Sounds like Seattle University is my best bet.

3. I have the opportunity to move out of my parents place in Fall, and it's a great price for a tiny bedroom. I'd be in downtown Bellevue, closer to the I-405 North on-ramp to get to work quicker. Rent would only be $450 a month per person. If I move out in Fall though, it means I'd have to put off starting classes to get my teaching certification at least until Winter, or possibly until Fall of 2012 when I have more savings, and hopefully a better paycheck with Champions. I'm okay with this, because moving out is really important to me. Getting things started on my own is really important to me.

4. Fears: Is this really where I want to plateau? Is this where life is gonna take me now? It sounds amazing. I just need to keep traveling when I can afford it. What she didn't realize was it wasn't about who I was seeing...it was where I was doing the seeing. I'm on the market for a home, and I don't want to settle down (not the make a family kind of "settle down") in Washington State. I want to find a state that is only mine...a place I found on my own. I will give any of them a chance, and I will go as often as I can. I need to secure my summers, and camp is a nice way of doing that. I'm not getting brainwashed...it's a chance to build a portfolio of art-education; nail down a teaching style I like and works for the kids. Yes, I'm sure there's other ways of building a portfolio...but this is what I have RIGHT NOW. I need to live for RIGHT NOW. Last summer I went because it was something to do that was completely out of my comfort zone, and I stumbled upon a new me and a new-found love. I'm going for the kids, for the love of self-expression, resurrecting braincells you forgot you had...opening their eyes!!! PASSION!!! Sharing that.

5. Fact: I don't appreciate being looked down at...even when it's obvious I'm happy. Why is happy so threatening? Is the population of happy people really that minuscule that I constantly feel like I have to defend where I am, just because they don't like where they are? I won't apologize for that. This life works perfectly fine for me, and it's not because it's easy or safe. It's exciting. Every step of it, as life should be.

6. Happiness is all there is. Thinking positively is all there is. Creating art is all there is. Love is all there is. I don't have room for hate or disappointment. Every year I'm on this earth...it's better than the last.

Yes, I'm content. I'll never plateau!

Pete's Dragon Always Makes Me Happy

It's true, it's true...

Old Lampey's in a stew!

A dragon, a dragon, he swears he saw a dragon!

Everything Works Out

My Mother found my engagement ring.

Everything works out in the end.

Thanks Grandma Gerry; thanks for looking out for me.
It means a lot to have it back.

Washington Isn't Wisconsin

No; no it's not.

*Multimedia love*

Swinging

Every time Nandana asks me to push her while she swings, she shouts, "Ms. Heather, can you push me all the way to San Francisco?"

My heart melts.

Today Anthony said today was the best day of his life...and begged me not to go home.

I love my job! It makes up for the commute, and small paycheck by a lot!

Screw you. Child care workers do NOT teach children how to be wimps...we teach them to have fun and love life.


Thanks for insulting me and my career choice.

When Ready?

I took a year off from decisions to figure out what I wanted.

Now, I'm just more confused then ever...and I'm scared time is going to pass me by, and I'm going to stay forever scared, sitting on my butt waiting for some opportunity.

When will I be ready?

The Best Thing

I've been down this road before
I walk out the door
Leave you on the floor

Sometimes you run and hide
Your foolish pride's what keeps me from giving you more

So the best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
'Cause you got growing up to do

Some day I'll return when it's time for payment in kind
The churchbells are chimed

You stand before me surrounded by lights
Dressed in white
You threw flowers in the air this night

But the best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do

It looks like the rain is pouring down on me
It's drowning me now and all I want is to come back home

And this old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry
But I can't think of what else to try

That's why the best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do

Yeah
The best thing I can give to you is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do

This Modern Love

Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied

Slow Me Down

Desperately ran for the shower at something like snail's pace, refusing to speak any known language at audible volumes. Continued to ponder life's list of needs exactly where I left them, in yesterday's shower. Took twice as long as it should to dress at 6am in the fricken' morning. Can't even imagine what this would be like to dress a few kids every day before school, driving to work wondering if they'll miss me and loving to learn something new simultaneously. Maybe I can imagine what that would be like. Yes, I can imagine what that would be like.



I hope every moment that I find some time for peace and quiet.

I hope every moment that I find some time to love this rhythmed dance,

but then I hear that I've lost track of my flying thoughts in seconds.

I want a slice of pizza, I want to pet a kitten, I want to walk and smell daisies.

I want to climb trees, find waterfalls, make crayons and colors to paint with.

So I sit...and do none of these things, just to slow me down.



I drink far too much coffee for the human body waiting for school to get out in Northshore, and my fingers hurt from weaving hand made coasters from colored cotton loops with kindergartners. They are such champions dressed to the nines in neon stripes, flowers and race cars. One day they'll grow up and hate monkey bars give their hands blisters from the weight of their bodies. They'll drink far too much coffee for the human body, and wonder why at age six they couldn't imagine what it'd taste like. No, they just didn't imagine. They imagined everything lovely rather than coffee.



I hope every moment that I find some time for peace and quiet.

I hope every moment that I find some time to love this rhythmed dance,

but then I hear that I've lost track of my flying thoughts in minutes.

I want a slice of youth, I want to hug that barista, I need to make a mustache.

I want to paint toenails, and alter a skirt, make sun glasses with Popsicle sticks.

So I sit...and do none of these things, just to slow me down.



I fall asleep to television episodes on DVDs, wishing with everything in me that my friends and I could mirror such banter and wit. I forget to flip off my space heater's switch. Maybe one day sleeping with sweat will prompt dreams of lizards and rain forests, but I just smile instead at my skill to think positively. Some days it's harder than others, but I love the best days that follow the bad ones. I don't get how people get grumpy, that's why there is coffee...so feed the addiction! Or have a glass of red wine. I guess I'm not sleeping, but measuring the distance from my nose to the ceiling.



I hope every moment that I find some time for peace and quiet.

I know every moment that I'll find some time to live this rhythmed dance,

but then I hear that I've lost track of my flying thoughts for hours.

I want to sleep thoughtless, I need jeans to fit, I think leg hair needs freedom.

I want to paint fish, and have a dalmatian, make chandeliers with branches and bottles.

So I lay...and do none of these things, just to slow me down.



I promise, it's almost impossible.

DUDE

I'm in such an awesome mood this morning. Coffee in hand...and sitting in the Starbucks parking lot, quietly stealing free wifi before work.

I'm awesome, are you awesome?

Fuck yes, you are!

"I will be someone I admire...I'm not exactly the person I thought I'd be. And in my mind...it's funny how I imagined, I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be." -Amanda Palmer, In My Mind.

Look it up, it's cute!

Off Day

Last night I decided that since I was gone the entire weekend, due to chaperoning a Scout trip by Deception Pass, I would visit my boys and cook them dinner. Bought a bottle of Gewurztraminer, and drank the whole thing to myself. We always manage to have a blast no matter what we do. Broke out the senior yearbook...and bitched about all the people we remembered we didn't like, who was pregnant now, dead, gay, still living with parents, and golden children who never did anything wrong. Watched 'Sex, Love, and Other Drugs.' Grand ole time, as always.

Woke up at 10am this morning. Didn't have to be at work until 3:15pm...but I forgot that I told Stone Soup Theatre that I'd do papering for them in the U District before work. Got a disgruntled email from Carolynne Wilcox, their Box Office Manager. Oops!

Argued with my brother a lot today. Told him to stop whining about life, and just be FUCKING PRODUCTIVE for once. Yup, I said that. Also told him that we weren't going to hold his hand anymore. Wasn't exactly what I meant to say going into the conversation. Oops!

Got to work...heard that a coworker had died this morning. No one knows what happened, just that she left for work, but obviously didn't make it there. The police won't say anything...

So...yeah. I call redo, and hope that tomorrow will be a million times better.

I Deserve

For once, I wasn't left regretting I ever met you.

For once, I felt like I deserved a lot better than you.

For once, I craved more time to sip on coffee.

For once, I feel like I can calmly say, "I'm so happy!"
Not screaming or pretending to feel it, just to make my point.

I deserve love.

I deserve to give it another shot.

But you were right.
You weren't capable, and I pushed...

I deserve time with my friend.

I deserve love.

It's like, I'm waiting to meet you all over again.
Shake hands, hug, and wish each other a good night.

Till next time, Ellensburg.

You felt like home again, and it doesn't take a broken house...or a bed.

I'll get what I deserve, as shall you.

Love.

Ta Da!

Somewhere I climbed a mountain, and found that life's uncertainties can indeed be beautiful. I no longer fear the unknown.

It's amazing that I have the chance to write it as I go.

And there's no one to push me in certain directions...I'm all Heather.

Treat me well, Ellensburg weekend.

My Busy Mind

Moleskin #...I lost track.

But it's everything I did from 9:15am to 3pm in Bothell between my shifts at West Hill Elementary.

Uplifting Thoughts

After a day of breathing, I'm okay. I'll trust Mom's kind words: "I know...deep down, it'll turn up."

But I'm still really shocked that I lost my engagement ring. I'm not sure where to look; all I know is that it's not where I left it...nor in any of the boxes in my parents' garage I brought over from the Anderson house in Ellensburg.

I know Grandma would forgive me, but it's harder to forgive myself for it now that she's gone. Even worse, is the feeling I'm left with because of what the ring itself represented. I didn't know I could ever let one person down this hard in my life. Not only did I take my promise back, but I lost the one item that signified my respect for what was our relationship. I did love him...but I was too young to realize just how strong love has to be in order to make that promise forever. I hadn't matured enough, nor was I experienced enough to hold on to it. I lost it.

For that, I will never forgive myself, but I will always grow from it.
Marriage takes on a completely different, beautiful meaning, now that I know.

I miss her pies. She put absolute love into them...as Mother does with her casseroles and baked dinners.

Believe it, or not, work actually helps me with all this. It's not as bad as it sounds...I'm just a fricken drama queen when the pen hits the paper. When keys get pounded into text.

I want to be an Art (possibly an Art & Theatre) teacher, working with ages between 8 to 16. I know that's a broad range when it comes to education, but with experience, I'll narrow it down. I have discovered, so far, that the best method for introducing a child to his/her dreams...true passions in life, is to share my true passions in life with them. They see the spark in my eye, and how beautiful life can be...they'll see the colors they can paint with by using whatever is in their hands. Reach for anything you can. Trial, error, and pies!

Love.

This is why everything will always be okay, because I may have lost love with one person...but it opened the door to loving life a little bit deeper.

I'll keep that thought with me always.

So in reality...all I lost was a rock.

I Lost It

I lost the one thing I had left of him...of us.

I lost the one thing I had left of my Grandmother, him, and us...all in one.


I hate myself more than I ever have right now.



I can't believe it.

Pointless Chats

Me: I'm just waiting to hit the ground from up here.

You: It's a long fall from cloud 9.

Me: I'll hold on as long as I can.

You: Hold on to me.

Me: This Popsicle done melted.





There's beauty in this world, there's cloud 9, there's gravity, and the ground.
Is there something truly worth holding on for?

You tell me.

Easy

I'm nervous...

what if everything I want is simply coming too easy.



I did the happy dance, did the talk, have yet to do the walk.


I dunno, maybe this is just all too good to be true.


I want to, but I couldn't trust a good thing...if my life depended on it.

Analyze This One, Please

So, this dream I had last night...seriously out of nowhere. I should start writing this stuff down more often, and email the proof off to comic book writers. Wouldn't that be fun to read what I think in my sleep. It'd be the coolest deja vu ever.


OKAY! So...

I'm some kind of secret departmental government suit...pencil skirt, heels, red lipstick, smoke breaks, hair pulled back as tight as it goes; the whole works.

I would like to think my official job title was something along the lines as Field Agent for the Assessment of Individuals with Unique Abilities...but there's got to be a cooler way of saying that. Suggestions wanted!

My current assignment was interviewing/assessing/categorizing the abilities of an individual by the name, Tye Allen Grims. All I was told by my supervisor was that I may want to wear ear plugs while interviewing him, and have a marquee telling me what his answers were following my questions. But I'm not one to cause a fuss, so I didn't see the point in potentially making Grims uncomfortable, and demanding things from the Special Equipment's Department. So, I went in ignoring his suggestions.

I went through a list of basic questions: "How would you describe your abilities?" "Have you had them since birth?" "Are you a citizen of the United States?" "Is your presence here legal?" "Can you prove it?" "Date of birth..." Yeah, that shit.

Before I knew it, he wasn't actually answering any of my questions by speaking...but I just seemed to know the answers seconds after the words left my mouth. So, I categorized his abilities as telepathic.

He "told" me that his abilities were fully realized after the "accident" when he was 7...but halfway through inquiring about the accident...my head started throbbing and I began to hear music in my head. Something along the lines of "another version of the truth: kronos & enrique gonzalez müller" off of Nine Inch Nails' album, Y34RZ3R0R3M1X3D.

I felt like I was dying of a migraine, and then the flashbacks started spiraling in...layered on top of one another, and like bullet trains colliding the temples. Everything I was seeing felt against my will, but pleasant, like I was being taken on a tour...but still incredibly painful. I wanted it to stop, and could tell I was crying...and screaming, but just wanted to know what would be shown next.

I don't remember much of the flashbacks, mainly flashes of color and peoples' faces...but I remember specifically that I had been shown meeting all of the Trippers for the first time last summer. Ian's pleasant hug, Kathy's smile at the airport, Dan's firm yet endearing handshake despite his height, Greg's disinterest in me completely, and Craig's hug practically lifting me off the ground. I had no idea why they came one after another...but the last image surprised me because I knew instantly it hadn't happened yet. It was something in the future.

It was you...standing at the foot of the Chalet "death stairs" with your hands in your pockets, silently waiting with a small smile forming. I was in the bedroom on the left...about to cross into the bathroom, until I realized someone standing there. I turned, smiled, and got down the steps as fast as I could...completely jumping off of the third to last step. You barely caught me, managing to keep your balance.

Then, I came to...releasing the tension in my fingers, to find the finger nail marks I left in my forehead.

Grims stood up from his chair across the table...and simply said (with his mouth this time), "I'm sorry, but I had no way else to describe it...show you. (pause) Unfortunately, I've shared "my abilities" by showing you...and the headaches get worse from here on out. So, you probably won't be strong enough to jump as you saw...and we haven't invented pain meds strong enough yet. Feel free to have me exterminated...I pray for it every day."

Then, I started crying...

And woke up, feeling...rather CONFUSED.

Talk about STRANGE, right?

I still don't know what his "accident" was at age 7, and that's the only part that bothers me. WEIRD!

I'm guessing it's a mix of impatience, excitement, and all the plots stored in my brain from my comic book fad back in college.

She Converted

Mom's finally on Facebook.

So strange.

Luckily, I tell her mostly everything...except for midnight bowling stories.

Someone really should take my cell phone away from me at midnight, at least when I'm in the company of friends...and there's weekend adventures going on.

When I sift through texts the next morning, I always feel like I've either sent too many texts in general, and annoyed whoever I've been talking to...or I get down right promiscuous. BAD NEWS!

Yoga, portobello mushroom and eggplant burgers, and arts and crafts are needed as a welcomed remedy for all negative feelings that occur the day after.

#PostalArt

So, I have a new amazing hobby.

PostalArt!

Bits and pieces from certain things in my life inspired it, like camps mandatory letter days for the kids, Alli's post-it, and the book I recently bought, "Good Mail Day." I had no idea this shit was so intoxicating.

See, I write a letter...and turn it into art. Whether it's by decorating the envelope, drawing all over the paper I write the letter on, handmake a postcard, or glue garbage from my day to something with no letter at all. It just has to be sent with love.

Then Holly had the brilliant idea to start something artsy, then mail it to someone...have them continue it, and mail it back and forth doing this for however long you want to.

UGH...like a drug!!!

It's the reconnection I needed. Some space from instantaneous internet and text messages I rely on too much. It will teach me patience, maybe ease the wait of these next 3 months.

I leave June 4th, and I'm already building my curriculum and experimenting with projects all day while I'm still unemployed. The unemployment won't last much longer though...but until then! I can send a piece of love on paper to one town at a time.

I love everything right now...except my constant need for cigarettes. That, not so much.

I miss you terribly, Alli. That never changes. I can't wait for you to get my "letter."

Happy Mail Day!


I also have shed my tears for Christchurch, New Zealand. I saw a picture in the newspaper of the family members who found out someone they loved died...and I lost it. I feel overly connected to some things, and all though this event pulled me back down to Earth for an afternoon, I flew straight back in the clouds to enjoy snail mail heaven once more.

Through the Walls of Fbook

I described my application process to everyone who asked, sharing my frustrations and coexisting patience in full. Comments and postings from the ones I love helped me stay afloat, on top of the many letters I sent across the United States, as opposed to emails. Phone calls instead of texts. Hugs instead of shyness. Drinks for all instead of two's a party.

I shared my interview process as well, hearing from most of the companies I wanted to work for anyways. I always thought the specifically tailored cover letter process + immaculate resume was overkill, but I take that assumption back.

I had two interviews in one week.
February 15th at 1:45pm. I was ten minutes late for my interview with Kinder Care/Champion's Learning Center in Lynwood due to traffic on the 520 bridge.
February 16th at 3pm. I was five minutes late for my interview with the packaging/spin casting department with Privateer Press Inc, due to sheer stupidity.

I got offered the job at Privateer Press on Monday, February 21st, and offered the job at West Hill Elementary on Tuesday, February 22nd (pending the results of my background check).

I accepted the West Hill Elementary Job! I gottttt itttt!

I also screamed like a banshee, jumping like a Mexican jumping bean in my living room for a full minute...then proceeded to text everyone that would care.

Life in abundance! Love for all!

The Temptations are singing "Just My 'Magination," just for me in the back of my brain.

Says the Sporty South African

I'm American. I resort to Google Maps far too much. According to Kathy Leverton my IQ is going to plummet. Before you know it, I'll have to own an iPhone just to remember where I live...

Oh dear.

I just wanted to know how far away Auckland was from the epicenter in Churchchrist, South Island!

The sad part is that I didn't even know about the earthquake until about 5pm, 3 hours after the earthquake happened...because Amanda Palmer tweeted about it this afternoon.

I think twitter is an awesome form of communication, and you hear about things as fast as someone can text and hit post. I do fear that the computer/cell phone will scar us for life...eventually.

Oh, instantaneous knowledge...do you have a downside?

I think my love of archaic pen to paper, postage stamps on envelopes balances everything out though. Can't forget human contact either...and I certainly had plenty of that tonight! The Fight Choreographer Don MacEllis Sammann "adores" me, and I adore every Annex Theatre company member that I had the pleasure of working with on "Duel of the Linguist Mages," by the all too awesome and handsome Scotto Moore. And he didn't think it would be a success! Pfffff. Silly man.

Again...an abundance of love for everyone.

Dearest, Alli...in a weeks time, you should be getting something rather interesting in the mail. It leaves Bellevue at 6am in the morning tomorrow, along with the letter I wrote to Zach Olson headed for Spokane, Washington.

Here's hoping I hear back from Northshore School District tomorrow!


Thomas Murdoch and Jems Todd...I sincerely hope that you kiwis are okay, as well as your families! I would prefer falling asleep tonight thinking you were nowhere near Churchchrist, safe in Auckland.

PEACE TO ALL, and take the time to write a letter to someone. I did!

Where Was This Last Year?

I seem to have this over abundance of love lately...

I guess it's cause I stopped wasting my time hating people, wishing I didn't know them, but smiled politely when they entered the room. Oh goodness, how the negativity consumed my everything.

I've stopped playing, and I'm living for reals this time.



I hug now, instead of wishing I had.
I touch now, instead of keeping my hands in my pockets.
I smile now, even at people I don't know passing by.
I talk on the phone more than I text...sometimes. Maybe 40/60.
I write letters, and even better...get letters back.
I meet new people, and get to work with new people as well. They teach me so much about myself.

I love...everything! Including Molly Moon's honey lavender ice cream, Annex Theatre, my flatulent kitten, and the things I have yet to accomplish with my hands today. Any day from now on.

And I seem to love everyone I meet!


I don't know how this happened...but I feel incredible.

Don't stop. Don't ever stop.



Just don't love me...like that. I'll run, and I have. Don't love me romantically!
I'm not built for it right now, I swear. I don't want to be.

I like just loving me for right now, until I'm ready again...but I don't know when that will be.

I'm sorry, but it just seems to make ripples I don't need.


See the sunshine? It shines...and things grow in this light, and I'm not done growing. I can't slow down just to fall back.


Love will find you again, as I have faith in the sunshine. I will find it again too...maybe even truly for the first time.

hurt it out now, live to survive it later

I remember how it felt,
overwhelmed by flipping light switches.
Standing still while your skin kept
it all from falling out on the ground.
You knew it would go away some day,
but you didn't know when,
all you knew it'd never be soon enough.
But with the lights flipped off
the sun's no longer around
to remind you of things and people.
The requirement to survive
isn't alone under the comforter,
and man, that's always nice.

Darlin' hurt it out now,
live to survive it later.

Momma always told me,
You just haven't kissed enough toads.
But I chased the wrong ones,
and I kissed 'em with all
the impatience I always had.
Never made for a happy ending,
believe you me.

Darlin' hurt it out now,
live to survive it later.

I swear with every tear shed,
it's like losing pounds
just in crude oil, and next
time it hurts less, but still sucks
flippin' all those light switches.

Well, we may live to love,
or love 'cause it's the new diet.
But darling girl, there's more
than just kissing toads.
There's ball point pens,
and all things to fill these blank pages.
There's Starbucks, and traveling
miles in minutes in daydreams.

Live to find what color
you want your hair to be,
or should never be again, no really ever.
Live to find the things you
know you won't stand for again.
Find what you got,
not where you wish you weren't
or what you wish you had.

I recently learned, wishing never works...but hoping's always nicer,
as long as there's ground to stand on if the hope falls through.

Then maybe...just maybe you'll be friends with the light switch.
And become an expert at kissing something with lips...not mucous and warts.

I hope for you, and hope for I.
And I hope the toads find their fellow toads.
'cause if we hurt it out now, we'll love to live it later!

I'll always admire you from afar, because I hear your strength...and know your backbone holds more than they'll ever think! It's there, and it never stops.
It keeps coming, trying to push you down.

And you'll kick its ass!

I like the clouds too much, and I need to remember that there's plenty to find on the ground...sometimes.

Moleskin #2

Dad Gives Good Luck

Yesterday, I received a Valentine's Day card from my dad that read, "keep trying; good things will happen."

Then not but a few hours later, I got called by the West Hill Elementary School asking if I had time for an interview for their before and after school teacher position. Basically an elementary daycare thing in the Bothell area. Which is the job interview I REALLY wanted.

Then, literally, as soon as I hung up the phone...I received a call from Privateer Press inc. asking if I had time for an interview as well. At least that ones in Bellevue, but they specialize in making spin-cast molds for action figures. Isn't that awesome?!

I think both are awesome, but I'm kinda hoping for the first one. Especially if I want to get my masters in Education or Theatre Education.

I still can't wait for camp, and the first job is awesome, because once the public schools close, I can go to camp all tra la la la. No hurt feelings. Yay!



So, all in all, Dad's my new trusty fortune cookie!
I kept trying and good things came.