You May Well Know...I'm Never Satisfied

So, if you really thought I was crazy...this one kinda nails the official nail in that coffin.

I've decided to start looking into Non-profit Project Managment, with absolutely no training (outside of things I've picked up here and there from my college years and life in general). I always seem to concoct this near-damn-impossible ideas when I'm sitting and drinking my coffee in Bothell in between shifts from the Elementary school I work at. As you may well know though, I'm just never satisfied.

I had texted one of my best friends, explaining how she may not be able to see me for a few solid weeks...because she lives in Seattle, and I live in the suburbs of Bellevue (trust me, I hate it, hate it, hate it). Through a few minutes of back and forth coaching of the emotional sorts, Afton had stated "It sucks, but it's life for our generation, and we have to grin and go on with our lives, or else...we will dwell on things we can't fix."

You see, the words 'grin and go on' that I'm not satisfied with...to the core of my being. I refuse to simply 'grin and go on.'

I made a promise to myself long ago (well, 2 years ago) that I would never rest until I did what made me happy...and I meant it.

I hope to stage (if you will)...a free art exhibit/show.

I don't know how I'm gonna fucking to do it...I just know I will.

Here's what I do know:

I will need a space, a time, someone's permission of space I'm sure, participants willing to do this purely for the enjoyment of it, an audience, a Production team...and for all of this to happen for free!

Okay, someone talk me out of this...

No, don't really.

On your mark, get set, GO!

Raise your hand if you think I'm nuts. don't worry, I've got every apendage raised on high for you.

This is what happens when I refuse to complain about life itself. I flip it all 1-motherfuckin'-80.

P.S. This is exactly why I don't have a man in my life...because that might potentially require taking a valium.

Walk To What You Want

I've been running towards the light for so long,

like if I find it, everything will be right.

But haphazardly, what I want doesn't shine white anymore,

it could be something I've invented in my dreams.



Now all I see sprays different rays of jewel and sand,

and white's gone dull compared to what I know is real.

I'm Kinda an Idiot

I shouldn't be allowed on computers...or be allowed to have a phone. I mess things up, quickly.

I shouldn't be allowed to talk to boys...EVER, or be allowed to be thinking of them while on the computer.

I don't want feelings anymore...let alone eyeballs.

Could someone just take all these things away from me?

That'd be really great.

I Can't Help It

Today's thoughts...which, of course, are tough...because I make 'em so, and I put great care into what I think about.

1. My room mate has a girl friend. Her name is Sarah, and today she told me that she didn't want me to feel like she's stepping on or interfering with my friendship with Doug. I have known Doug since 4th grade, meaning 15 years...and for a girlfriend of his that I've only known for less than a year to say that...it's pretty big of her. I could easily come off as some enemy, someone who has a connection with Doug that she could never touch upon, and competition. I'm not, but it could seem that way. But for both of us to look at the other not as a threat, but an ally...it's pretty awesome! I hope Doug knows he's lucky, and I hope he knows that he has both Sarah and I to help him through this rough time ahead of him with his Mom/family situation. Yes, leaving for camp will be hard, but I have to go. These challenges we face in life make us who we are...and so far, I like who I'm currently hanging out with.

2. I'm moving to a different location of Champions within my district. It's gonna be hard, because I'll miss the kids I'm currently working with, but it always gives me a chance to meet new children and get attached to them. Vicious cycle! It's all about needing hours, and money...so I can afford to one day go back to school to become a teacher. I believe that having a start in childcare will help a great deal with where I want to go in life. Things are still pretty uncharted, but I'm happy to be where I am now. There's no question about that.

3. I had to read a section within my STARS initial 20 hours work booklet about abuse and neglect. It made me incredibly sad, especially this particular passage, "Reducing the incidence of child abuse is a matter of intervention and education." I have already decided that I will spend the rest of my life trying to ensure the safety and growth of the children I meet. It's just really hard for me to think about such things, and it's hard for me to think...it could potentially happen while I'm working in this line of work. I don't like thinking about it!

4. My definition of an awesome day: when the sum of everything that has happened to me in the span of my day produces awe and a feeling of self-worth! Then it's been awesome, and means I'm awesome! But just because I didn't happen to have an awesome day...doesn't mean I've stopped being awesome. I'm always going to be awesome...unless I stop caring for myself and those around me.

5. I remember this whirlwind of a night, sitting by myself on the step outside of a shack on the property of my favorite place in the world. I said to myself through tears, rocking back and forth, hugging my knees, "every tear will be shed for others, and not for myself." I will spend my life giving to others...because it makes me happy.

I'm Heather, and I like where my life is going...THE END.

Germany

This is Oona's sister Lea, also from Germany. Thanks for your support, Lea. I'm glad my project was a reason to not do your homework for a bit.

Please people, more photos!

You Don't Know

I'm trying my best to start an art project called, "You Don't Know." It ultimately will be a people chain of photos. Confusing...hmm, people will take photographs of themselves or their friends with someone's hands flat to the view frame of the photo. When you place the photos next to each other, it looks like peoples' hands are touching. I want to see how long the people chain can get. It will cellebrate the individualism and unique qualities of each person involved...and people in general. So, snap a photo and cellebrate humanity by embracing what "you don't know" about who you could be placed next to, and each other. Don't judge them, just as I won't judge your awesome photos.

Background: When I was a youngen' in middle school and high school, I barely spoke to anyone. I had a close nit group of friends that I could count on two hands, and I never reached farther than them. I grew up in a very materialistic community where Microsoft offspring felt inclined to tease you based on what you didn't own or didn't wear. I was a victim, and so...I became mute. I felt like because I didn't "fit in," and didn't feel accepted, these people simply didn't deserve to know me at all. So, I rebelled in my own way...by not saying a word to anyone, not even my teachers hardly. I didn't do the right thing though...I judged my peers too. I never got to know them, and maybe would have met some awesome people outside my group of close friends. I'll never know though. Here's my chance though...and yours. I work at an all boys summer camp now in Woodruff, Wisconsin from June to August every year. This will be my third year in 2012, and Josh Boling always said for some reason, "you don't know." It was meant to be funny in his Alabama accent, but I'll always remember it, and have attached my own personal meaning to it. Hence the title.

Here is photo number one, and it comes all the way from Germany. This is Oona and her friend Silke. I met Oona in Charlotte, North Carolina last summer when I decided to visit a friend after camp for a week. Oona and her sister Leia were visiting my friend as well, since Oona was an exchange student with my friend's family. She was a hoot...and claims to have learned everything about Americans from watching Sex and City episodes.

Could you know all that from her photo? No.

But she's awesome.

You could be a part of this too, by emailing me your photos. I'm paranoid to have a direct link to my personal email address, so comment asking for it...or if you know me personally, call me, text me, Facebook me, or Tweet me. I'd be glad to send it to you.

Thanks for your support, friends.

Calm Yourself

I watch you from the internet...like people do sometimes. I don't do it all the time, just at the random times in the month I actually think of you, and what you're up to.

I remember at one point, I told you "I'm a sucker for someone in need." It was a secret I should never have shared. I just hate seeing people in pain.

If anything I wish, from a place of "I do love, but won't love you in person" kinda place in my heart that you aren't complaining 'cause you know my secret. It'd be cheap! It'd also be narcissistic of me. But...yaknow...a girl ponders stuff like that. Romantic shit and all.

Pull yourself together...I have. You can do it, I swear!