Lately I've been dreaming that every corner I turn, or door I open when I'm in a hurry...you're just standing there, out of nowhere, there you are. I think I keep wishing it, because 48 hours of your face wasn't enough. I don't know what I'm doing...and I'm scared of what will happen. I'm sick of dissapointing, and being dissapointed that I just ignore the fact that you're out there somewhere...possibly thinking of me or not. Maybe that's why I did what I did, why I gave her that step in the direction she wants to be in...because I don't feel like I ever had a right to your heart. Maybe it would be better if you just accepted her request. I hate feeling feelings! Truly, I do. Things are so easy and...the loneliness is easy to shove down most of the time, until I remember that my throat's dry, and relationships fail every second of every day. I hate failure. I don't hate risks...but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make them half of the time. Yes, this is all cliche...but if people describe it the same exact way every time...and things still fail, MAYBE I should wait it out for something as unusual as I am. But excuses, excuses. Telephones are like talking to a box...doesn't feel like I'm talking to a person at all...hence why I don't like using them. So, I'm sorry that you haven't received any voice mails from me recently. Letters are just so much more personal...like there's a person on the other side. Go figure! I'm taking this all way too personally. I whispered last night to the air between me and my comforter (maybe I only thought it), "I promise to stop lying..."
Which would be miraculous...
I lie on a daily-basis. I'm a good story-teller...who never gets to the point. I will love you regardless of what happens.
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