Street-side Homeless

Every time I pass a man or woman standing on a major intersection street corner with a cardboard sign that reads, "...anything helps," I always wish I had a stash of love letters in my car to hand them. Crocheted blankets, a brick of cheese, post-its, something to symbolize a hug, coupons to Cash and Carry, anything...because they say anything helps. I don't feel comfortable giving them money, but then again, maybe that's what helps most. I wish I could be so genuine and trusting to hope a complete stranger asking for help is actually asking for help because they need it...as opposed to putting themselves through more harm, but I don't trust a stranger with that decision. I don't know how they got to the street corner, what put them in the position to ask for help, what requires such desperation...but I feel like such a bitch for ignoring their pleas. It kills me to think that when another human being asks the world for help, all the world does is drive on by, doing its best not to make eye-contact just in-case of delivering false hope. I always feel compelled to glance around my car...just to appear like I'm making an effort to look for "anything"...even if I know nothing's in my car. That's what it's come down to...



Break it down even more...and it boils down to a distrust in everyone I meet. I do not trust anyone, even myself...as much as I instantly want to. I can instantly love, I can instantly be fond of you...but I will always trust you only as far as I can throw you. Meaning, I'd trust a toddler over you. At least a toddler doesn't know any better.

So, here we are. Left to decide whether or not it's worth the distance and time, or lack there of. I like you, but I'm terrified of what you could do to me. I feel the fear grow every time you drop me off at my car, or we part ways on Sunday mornings. I die. I'm scared of wasting time. I get more and more offers for commissioned work, but I crave a normal life...the thing I swore I'd never have. I want the freedom to a life full of love, not spent alone. I'm dying, cause I'm stuck not knowing what to do.

I have to think, long and hard. Is it worth it? Are you worth this fight? I remember hating this part...