Career? What's That?

I love my job, because sometimes it doesn't feel like a job. Sometimes it just feels like I'm getting paid to play all day with the most amazing children I have ever met. I like making these kids feel special. Some of them won't let you make them feel that way...but I guess that's up to them. I'm sure that's what some of them are just used to at home. I like giving them the attention they deserve. I like watching the cogs in their imaginations spin wildly. I get paid to do all of these things...

I barely get by sometimes money-wise,

but this is the happiest I've felt in years.

So, the money and the gas...seems very much worth it.

I'm remembering Ryan Bronston singing Fly Like an Eagle at campfire, and I bawled like a baby. I love that kid so much! I miss him incredibly so.

Happily Alone

Everybody I know says, "girl just take it slow.
He's not goin' nowhere, and certainly not without you.
He's out there somewhere, thinking the same things as you.
'Where the fuck could she be, and what's takin' so long?'"

Well, if he only knew,
he'd feel my heart was of different breed.
and none of them deserved even lookin' at me.
He'd feel the huge distance and pull,
and want nothing more but say, "I've been lookin' for you."

Youth back then drempt up mansions, apartments, shacks,
and all the houses we'd own.
We were pretty little things, dancin' all in a row.
Man, if we only knew where our generation would go,
I would've stopped hating myself a long time ago.

Well, if he only knew,
he'd know I'm adventure and strength personified,
I take any risk if dared, and he'd love that 'bout me.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you won't get an inch.
I wasn't strong then, but I met right people showed me to be.

I'll love, and love, and love again till I can't anymore.
Maybe then I'll meet the one I've been waiting patiently for.
He'll come just when I need 'em, and things will play beautifully.
But like a child in shcool, I'll just dream him up till then,
'cause hearts like mine are of different breeds.

If he only knew,
he'd be here already, and effortlessly so.
This tale would be told, easily the easiest thing ever told.
I wouldn't love without the love of a fight,
so take your timely time, I'll wait, happily alone.

The End.

Of All Things

I'm tired of bitching about how lonely I am...but I'm lonely. I want a heartfelt talk right about now. I want to walk through a magical closet and see your face. I hope you don't have an expiration date.

It doesn't help that it's freezing outside.

The World Below, by William Olsen

Let the extraterrestrials look down upon our cities sprung from murder,
and our buses stalled beneath starlight, and still decide to land,
step out from their steel husks under the shaken trees,
stare up at a stalk of red light softly clicking green,
kneel with their helmets off, breathe in the smog, grasp at a tendril of car exhaust.
Stepping over a plot of irises braying their pollinated sighs,
scraping into an agar dish the rust off the grotesque claw of a garden rake,
antennae teetering toward the steam rising from the dewy yards,
tuning in each grassblade's brutally innocent aspirations,
muttering logarithmicall, shaking thick-veined heads, eyes shrunk to inhospitable pinholes,
pondering why downstreet, in a Plexiglas cubicle, a ringing goes unanswered,
apparitional in their curiosity, ancient themselves in their infinitely rational natures,
as they towel their own inscrutable fingerprints off,
every last material clue of who we think we are and why,
as they gaze skyward at the corpselight of their own sun, let them feel
instant and tranquil and bereaved in our alien night.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My favorite poem.

Ohhhhh, Greg...you make me happy just thinkin' 'boutcha! You remind me to kick the negativity to the curb, or to at least accept it as a normal part of life and move on. Every day I think...I could have done so many things different if only I was patient with myself, but then I could say...this too, is a normal feeling of life, now move on and do good.

My happy thoughted bubble butt monk.

I hope to know you for a very long time to come, my friend.

Did you know they're making a Lorax movie? I'm so excited.

What's Done is Done is Fun

It may be a character flaw...it may even be a huge downfall, but
to a degree, I legitimately give a small piece of myself away every time I find someone to care for.

I think upon such individuals I should absolutely hate, fondly, and often. I can't help it...or so it seems.

I want to ask them how they are doing, how their lives are now, talk about music we can't stop listening to, disagree on favorite vacation spots, or discuss an excitement for a combined art project...and who else to invite into the action.

But then I remember...oh, we're not talking...oh, there's something stopping us from all that.

And that's when all the memories come flooding back, as if Mother Nature decided it was time the West Coast needed to experience their own hurricane for a change. Thanks bitch! That was the last thing I needed right now...to be angry about something that's already gone and past. Every time, it shouldn't mean much...it shouldn't phase me...I shouldn't care. But I do! Every time. I always try to pretend I didn't/don't. Thank god it's the perfect thing to inspire the imagery for something crazy, new. I just wish I could include them. I feel like feelings should be shared...even when they're done and long gone.

I want to tell each and every one of them what I walked away feeling...

-Ampersand: You are the most complicated of them all...'cause I can't even describe how I felt towards the end of an era. All I can say is that I never felt like I had a voice. You never asked my opinion, you never realized my frustrations were real, actual elephants in the room. I knew I was something important to you...but I just couldn't figure out how I was important. Was I puzzle piece to your life goal? Get married, have children, build a house, have a career, be happy. Too bad it doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, I grew into a beast you hadn't planned on. For that, I am sorry. But I won't apologize for it. If I stayed with you forever, I would not have grown strong like the girl I am today...and I wouldn't have realized all the wonderful things I could accomplish. I would have just been a wife...your wife.

-Senior: I'm not mad...nor do I blame you really. It's hard to read someone who is incredibly good at lying like I am. I said I was fine. I said I was okay...then low and behold, the truth always game out in the ugliest of demonstrations. And thus a pattern was BORN! If anything, you were always honest with me, proved that you could only care for me as best you could, and that you never never meant to hurt me in any way. You're friendship is very important to me...I just don't know who or what you are growing up to be. There are times I can tell you just want to fall on old habits, and thank god I don't allow that to happen. But if anything, I'm always there when you need me. One day I will ask you: "What was it I couldn't give you?"

-Gypsy: I don't even have words...I never did. You were a cartoon character, a figment of my imagination...but you definitely supplied me with false implications. I should have known from the get go, you were gonna tie me to the railroad tracks. There weren't promises, but lovely words...that all failed you. I don't think I could ever trust you again, nor could I really look at you the same way again. You are still important to me, because there were truly some fantastic moments...all in darkness, and all in silence that were had. If there's one thing you continually teach me (without realizing it) is that I should always find the fun, the adventure in everything I do. There's nothing wrong with being a smart ass, but...when you hurt people, then it's not okay. So...STOP IT! I'm flattered, really, I am. I just wish I hadn't apologized...I had hoped it would have made it all go away, but instead it just made me look incredibly weak. You're weak, not me. I do miss you though, and hope that someday I could use your incredible creativity and "smart ass" to collaborate something incredible to represent our generation.

-Time Capsule: I truly think I don't deserve you. I wish I had time to get to know you, but maybe neither of us are ready for that kind of time yet. I don't know when we'll get the time and trust, but I hope you're there when I'm ready. I don't doubt that we'll meet again. Till then, cheers. May all be well, wherever you are.

-Letter Recipients: All my pent up frustration gets taken out on you in a way...sending my heart out each and every day in envelopes destined for exciting destinations I've never been to before, that's the ultimate highest reward and release. Smiles keep me going, friendship keeps me going. One day I'll live an honest life, and it will begin with the love I keep in envelopes. So stamp me, chop me up, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours...and yours, and yours, and YOURS!

Have mercy...I do not what I want. I'd love to love you any day.