They'll Understand...I hope

I haven't been happy here for a long time. At home, in my home state I mean.

I've had plenty of fun times, but I wasn't sad to leave, and I'm not happy to be back. My career path is going down the drain, and the prospects aren't pleasant.

I come home from work to my old room that I had in childhood to college...and I just think every moment of every day, I don't belong here.

You're making $20 an hour at Amazon, you're making $30 an hour at Century Link, your getting married, starting a family, and I'm standing still.

I watch my Father and Brother stress themselves out and make poor decisions, and I can't say anything, because I'm not in a place to preach, nor are they in a place to listen. I look to the right of my brother's keyboard on the computer on his desk (my desk)...and I see the words, "Heavenly Father, thou has prepared things for us that we can have if only we believe. May we come to thee in our weakness and ask."

I don't know him anymore, and it makes me so mad. I'm not religious, and I don't know what traumatic thing happened to him to make him so in a matter of months. He's baptized, and I'm high-tailing it out of here.

I drank a lot to cope with how unhappy I was, watching the debt accumulate, watching my friends become more superficial by the hour, only caring for what they wore or how much money they made, continue to make.

I'd settle for happiness. Making a difference. I really don't want to plan my life around 2 months out of the year...and I don't think I can go back there either.

It's quite ironic how vague I can be in my blog posts, when really I'm terrified of the unknown.

I cope by speaking in riddles? Great.

I'm happy alone for once, so at least there's that. I don't need a partner in any of this, maybe just a partner in crime, but not a romance.

I'm really quite incapable at that right now.

I love live, and I can't stay put here. I need to make a name for myself, and need the freedom to do it completely away from where it's too easy to be lazy and timid.

They say home is where the heart is, and that may be true, but home is not where my heart craves to be. Home is where my freedom lies, and freedom is where only my own feet can take me.

"May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on, carry on."