Mom, My Rock

Today is my Mother's 55th birthday, and I'm planning a surprise party for her since things never stop being hectic and chaotic for any of us...especially for her, since she's always putting out everyone's fires.

She's the hero of our universe, and so...as much as I'd love to make the surprise party Wonder Woman-themed. I'm going with something probably less expensive and with colors not so primary.

Art Deco and peacocks! She'll love it. Pictures to come! Just imagine more jewel tones.

Yes, I was once a Design Major in college...go figure!

Somethings I Don't Get...

So, I'm doing my best to cope with a lot of things right now...and they don't feel like big things (in my head), but really they are!

1. My brother - He seems more accepting of his situation than I am. I can barely understand what's wrong...or why it happened? Whereas he's...back to being himself + filling out paperwork for Psychiatrist appointments and who knows what. I just want to...help, but he acts like he doesn't need it. At the same time though, he has yet to understand how life will become nearly impossible for him once he's no longer covered by my Mother's medical insurance. He has 4 years in counting. I stress for him...while he stays still as a stone. I just want him to see the his fragility, and take certain precautions, but taking care of himself doesn't seem to be a big priority right now.

2. My best friend's Mother is dying of brain tumors. She was given a year and a half to live...and now has till June. Which is going to make leaving for camp all that much harder. I don't even want to contemplate if she'll make it till then or not. I don't like thinking about it, but I do ALL THE TIME! I love him and his family so much. Especially his son!

3. I've got artist block for many reasons. I wonder why...

4. Still haven't figured out a plan for this summer...just way too many ideas to count. I am driving myself to Chicago, but it's technically twice as expensive. I just want adventures every once in a while. I'm hard on myself, and money...and my lack of it makes it easier to beat myself up from time to time.

5. I'm sticking with a job that just doesn't make sense for me...all I know is that it makes me happy. I feel like I'm being selfish, because soon my Dad will take on my student debt because I can't afford it. I can pay rent and buy food (barely). I clean their house twice a week because I like my job, and can't afford the commute. It doesn't seem fair, really. I keep thinking, I have to go back to school somehow...but that just doesn't seem plausible financially anytime soon. It must be nice to be well off financially, rich even. Never worrying about anything. I appreciate the struggle and don't want for anything. Just the things that will make me a better person in the long run. It's just hard sometimes.

6. Not being able to see my best friend in the world, Alli Doyle. She will always be my rock of all rocks. I cry sometimes because I haven't seen her in a year. I write her letters though, and god knows I love a good love letter from time to time.

Okay, I'm done now...I'll save the love life bitching for myself, lol.

Humor is the key in all. Love too. I love myself, that's a plus. I know that I have a decent number of irreplaceable friends too. I appreciate all that they do for me! Really, I do.

Into the Wild and Someday, by LP

Okay...so, give this gal a listen, 'cause JEBUS, SHE BE GOOD!





and in case you needed more, like I did...here's another.



Her voice is so haunting...I can't get enough of it, thanks Phil.

Snow Day Heart Scabs

Yup...had to go picking. I'm so incredibly good at prying up what's just on the verge of completely gone and healed. Now, I start it all over. I had to ask...open my mouth, or in our case, text message tin-can mistakeville.

Yeah, you messed up a good thing. I'm glad you think I'm a good thing.

Something inside me won't leave it alone...won't forget, and misses you. It wasn't good though, I was good, but you were never where I wanted you. Not once did you ask me, "so, what's on your mind?" "Tell me how your day is going." "Wanna get a cup of coffee before bed?" 'Cause yes, I drink coffee at the most inopportune moments...for some reason it helps me sleep.

I spent a lot of time keeping my mouth shut, because I knew you didn't care enough to hear it...yet, I was dumb, and kept watch, hoping you would if I looked at you with just the right percentage of come hither in my eye. Dumb! Yes, we were both morons.

Brief moments were fantastic, but pardon me, I tend to romanticize.

You're crazy...colorful, loud, obnoxious, a thrill seeker. I like that about you.

I'm at tracted to men who can't make up their minds. Darlin' drink more coffee, 'cause this is nothing new to you.

I sent a letter to someone who never deserved it...and now I want it back.

I hope our paths cross at least one more time just so I can explain myself. Explain what I went through. You shouldn't hear it though, 'cause it's a snowy day and picking at heart scabs is never a good way to spend a free day from life.

I miss you, nonetheless. That will never change... unfortunately.

Summer 2012

This is happening! Any takers? Picking up the Brit, Lawrence, Gift of the Gab, in Chicago, and then off to camp!!! Should be pretty epic!

Florence and Siblings Out of Tune

I love my brother, but I don't love the challenges he faces. I love his laugh, but I don't love how everything is some unfashionable extreme of a feeling. One thing goes his way, and he's on cloud 9 for a day. The next day, he could be anywhere from a crushing low to bubbly. How did we not see this? How could he not tell me? I just want him to understand, so that I can understand, and we both could move on smiling and hanging out like we don't seem to do.

You scared me, there. I don't want you to be put on pills for depression...but maybe, maybe, it's necessary.

I always joked and pointed out the irony of a child planned having so many clinical problems to be medicated for...and I the oldest and "happy accident" has nothing but a nickle allergy and sensitive skin.

I'd gladly take it all away from you. Feel my happiness...and use it as an excuse to try something new for a change.

I love you...please don't slip down that hole. I guess I physically can't stop you. It will inevitably happen again...and it may not be a bad thing for both of us to prepare for it.

I love you, nonetheless. It's not the end....EVER!!! Because I love you.

...butthead.

Back from the Motherland

Whoa! I'm extremely exhausted. It's Saturday, and I returned from my two and a half week trip to England at 10pm on Thursday, January 5th. I had an extremely wonderful time...and I really didn't want to leave. I'd go back in a heartbeat...if I had endless funds that is.

In case you were wondering, here's one of my favorite photos from my trip. It's the Sanctuary Knocker from Durham Cathedral. One of the many historical finds that took my breath away.