They'll Understand...I hope

I haven't been happy here for a long time. At home, in my home state I mean.

I've had plenty of fun times, but I wasn't sad to leave, and I'm not happy to be back. My career path is going down the drain, and the prospects aren't pleasant.

I come home from work to my old room that I had in childhood to college...and I just think every moment of every day, I don't belong here.

You're making $20 an hour at Amazon, you're making $30 an hour at Century Link, your getting married, starting a family, and I'm standing still.

I watch my Father and Brother stress themselves out and make poor decisions, and I can't say anything, because I'm not in a place to preach, nor are they in a place to listen. I look to the right of my brother's keyboard on the computer on his desk (my desk)...and I see the words, "Heavenly Father, thou has prepared things for us that we can have if only we believe. May we come to thee in our weakness and ask."

I don't know him anymore, and it makes me so mad. I'm not religious, and I don't know what traumatic thing happened to him to make him so in a matter of months. He's baptized, and I'm high-tailing it out of here.

I drank a lot to cope with how unhappy I was, watching the debt accumulate, watching my friends become more superficial by the hour, only caring for what they wore or how much money they made, continue to make.

I'd settle for happiness. Making a difference. I really don't want to plan my life around 2 months out of the year...and I don't think I can go back there either.

It's quite ironic how vague I can be in my blog posts, when really I'm terrified of the unknown.

I cope by speaking in riddles? Great.

I'm happy alone for once, so at least there's that. I don't need a partner in any of this, maybe just a partner in crime, but not a romance.

I'm really quite incapable at that right now.

I love live, and I can't stay put here. I need to make a name for myself, and need the freedom to do it completely away from where it's too easy to be lazy and timid.

They say home is where the heart is, and that may be true, but home is not where my heart craves to be. Home is where my freedom lies, and freedom is where only my own feet can take me.

"May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on, carry on."

Summer Souls Burn On

"You could love me or not, but either way I gotta wake up to face another day tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning, what will the world bring?"


Talk about an dangerously hectic summer!

Yes, my friends, I've returned home safely...but just barely! After a teary-eyed good-bye to so many people I love and got to know so well, my head's back in the clouds and my heart is longing to be in about 12 different locations at once. Camp is one of those gut-wrenching phenominas. Shall we see each other again? Shall we laugh and drink like that someday? Or shall we just remember each other forever? What will the world bring, indeed.

My fondest memories will be of dark nights spent in the haven, and long dangerously wild nights at dive bars in Minocqua, Wisconsin. I'll remember these faces, and will gladly let them haunt me for the next few months. Before you know it...life will get crazy hectic again with work and the real world. Say it ain't so!

Just remember:

"We work with children, because we ARE children!" -Wausau 2012

Let's never grow up, together!

Till we meet again, Wisconsin.

Till I Come Home

I've been listening to Fun's 2nd album all day, and man do they make it sound easy to write an anthum. Have you heard the lyrics? Can I get a "huh?" Still...it's nice to pack to. Makes me feel like I could punch an over privaledged teen and get away with it, if I run fast enough.

I hate packing! Hate it, hate it, hate it! Just thinking about it makes me want a shot of tequila. All I have to do is pack the toiletries, coffee mug, and last minute memorabilia.

If anything, I look Pacific Northwesty today. With tourquoise eyeshadow to boot. *cue black cat crossing my...keyboard?* Is that bad luck still? It's not my path persay...but it's my focus for now. How'd she know to step on the touchpad? Welp, mysteries of life indeed.

You thought life was dramatic now? Just wait; just you wait! Pretty soon, we'll all have our camp goggles on. She'll be sleeping with him, he'll be sleeping with who knows...but everyone's dying to know. We'll be staying up late, screwing up our schedules just to get an hour to ourselves. To be "grown-ups." I'm gonna tell myself that I'll go out less, but we all know...it's impossible. There's too many willing souls with open pockets. So, looks like it's Jack and dancin' on tables once again! Wouldn't have it any other way. What with far away friends comin' togetha to throw it all away? What more could ya ask for? It's heaven...the kind you can only live with for two months out of the year. I become this New Jersey Dame, who just wants to give it to you straight. I love her! Time to put the past behind.

Gonna miss you all though. Let's write letters. I mean it this time. Lets love each other on paper littered with postage stamps. It'll be...everything I've asked for.

But dude! You best be waiting when I return. Don't know who you are, but you best be here when I return...or I'll just have to wait another year.

TO LIFE! And that goober who mistakingly said..."Schindler on the Roof." Le Chiam.

TTFN Washington

I leave for Wisconsin Saturday morning, and I can't wait for the send-off adventures tomorrow.

Piles of the shit I need to pack up are cluttering my parents' living room...and it all just feels like a re-run at this point. A paid vacation from life all the same though. I need to get away...HAVE TO GET AWAY! Right as it gets interesting; like a starlet exiting stage left just when they're beggin' for more! Mystery, friends.

I'm not sure what I'm in store for this summer, but I betcha it's better than the mess here.

Been avoiding the Doctor's office, when there's something obviously wrong with my body...and has been wrong for close to 6 months now. I'd really wish they'd just say, "you're best bet is just cuttin' the darn thing out. We all know you don't need it anyhow." Don't know if Alli will be employed when I get back, which makes living together really difficult. Hoping to one day have a job I can be proud of. Her status...that I say doesn't bother me, 'cause it doesn't, but...feels like one huge sad story when coupled with the train-wreck of my almost marriage. Yeah, found the lost engagement ring and wedding band when moved out of my apartment...but now it's the nightmare that won't end. I deserved better...but if the love letter's gonna work, I need the correct heart to launch it to. He wasn't the one, and man was I too eager. I love life though, and with the tears I refuse to cry..."may the past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on, carry on."

"I just don't want it to ruin anything planned."

I'm not graceful, I'm not put together. I'm a ghost who just wants to dance.

Cheers, Washington. To a new you, to a new me, to a new you and I.

Convincing Myself Nothing

It's really difficult thinking, "you're one of a kind...something special," as well as thinking, "you're normal...completely ordinary, and no one finds you interesting" all at the same time. It's like a battle of the persona. I want to draw them both, and see which one feels more real to look at. Like that episode of Xander halfed into two completely different people. I'm like that all the time. I don't know what's going to happen soon, but I know change is always on the rise. Like that bad moon Creedance sings about.

I do miss having a companion.

No one quite measures up.

I try anyways...but nonetheless, she steals the limelight.

Afton, I'm so sorry.

Please, work things out with your Joker/Two-face.

I'm still not sure if I want to come back here to stay.

I need an adventure that's bigger than myself.

Mom asked me if I was leaving, and I didn't have an answer for her.

I still don't.

It's Not About the Money, Money, Money? Fuck You.

As some of you may know, I have a new job starting on Monday, April 9th. Today was my orientation for it, actually. It's a fantastic company that I've heard only great things about, and I really can not wait to start DOING IT! I already have a family that I know through Westhill Elementary that is registered through my agency, and really wants to request me for days that they might need backup care for. Which would be so amazing!

I've been making that painful two-week long bandaid-rip process...saying good-bye to the Champion kids and families happen. It's not cool. It's not cool at all. I hate it, in fact. I know that if I stay in this career path...it's only gonna get harder and harder. Think of all the lives I could change, though! So many children, and opportunities to laugh and play with them. Incredible! It's all so exciting.

And to be blunt...I'll be making twice as much money!

CA-CHING!!!

Here's a list of the things I kinda need to buy...since I've been poor for so long, it's not even funny.

1. Antiques (Let's be honest, friends. We all know where my priorities lie).
2. Food
3. YOGA PANTS ('cause I finally have an excuse to wear them to work)
4. Nice jeans
5. Stationary (lots of letters to stay in touch with everyone, duh!)
6. Parashute cord from R.E.I. (one more art project underway, thank god it's cheap)
7. Whiskey (hey! at least it's not in the top 5, k?)
8. Head bands (that I alter and add to, of course)
9. A carpet bag
10. Floppy hat, complete with feathers
11. Bumbershoot with unique handle

The last three need to happen...'cause I want to be Mary Poppins, BITCH!!!

...but cooler. Much cooler.

Best Sundays

This past Sunday, I woke up at 9am. Modestly cleaned the living room, awaiting the arrival of a good friend I hadn't seen in a while. I drank my coffee at a leisurely pace, and stayed in athletic yoga garb all day. I even cluttered our livng room with all my art supplies...after cleaning it.

It's just how ya do it! Make room for a different kind of mess.

Sarah finally arrived at 1pm...and we drank beer and painted for 5 hours.

I don't know a better way to spend an afternoon, do you?!

We had the sliding glass door open, letting sunlight in, and a nice breeze movin' through the apartment...even if the breeze was my room mate's sympathy farts!

Later that night, my friend Clayton showed up, and we headed for Seattle to see Annex's Weird and Awesome with Emmet Montgomery (always the first Sunday of the month). Clatyon met Afton's boyfriend, Johnny...who now thinks of me as a little sister of his. GREAT! They're certainly amazing hugs, BUT I don't need anymore brothers from different mothers. I got plenty of people lookin' out for me. I'm not 100% certain I need another alcoholic in the extended tree either. Still...as Sarah said, "You can't keep someone around just for their comics." I know tons of people who would say otherwise. A match made in heaven was made perfectly clear whenever Clayton and Johnny agreed on some rock single from who knows when...and as if in unison, air-guitared for a solid minute! Boys.

I've lost track of the true subject though...where was I?

...um?

YEAH, Sunday...comedy show. Lesbian standup comedians that look like paper boys from the 1920s, yada yada yada...Cards Against Humanity, We Didn't Playtest This Either, fine Italian wine, AND finally going home at 2am (eventhough I had work the next morning at 7:30am).

Needless to say, I called in sick Monday morning. It wasn't ALL lack of sleep...I think my room mate's case of the farts were contagious. Maybe I should drink less beer.

I'd say a perfect Sunday was accomplished.